Soul Sucking Slow Burn

Life is strange... I guess I’m just trying to figure it out... this life...

Everything is going really well... I love my job and my side hustle. I love my husband and my kids. I enjoy my free time and my volunteer work. I love the impact I am making on this world at various levels. I feel good and comfortable right now. Could I use more income... yes, but only because of a bunch of things in the last 2 weeks that pulled me away from being able to work... so getting shit settled should even resolve that... and a higher paid opportunity is right around the corner if shit stays settled for at least 2 months...

Now that everything is finally rolling smoothly, I’m back to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m happy with an underlying anxiety... The worry is always there... not sure why when my life is going in a positive direction... just practicing an old vibration I guess... gotta shake that shit off...

I am just kind of broken... and without all the noise in my mind, I can feel the rift in my heart left by the loss of my son... it burns... it hurts... it brings a loneliness to my soul as though there is a tear in the space time continuum... It is a hard hole to climb out of... how do I heal that tear? How do I repair my heart? How do I fill the hole to stop this soul sucking slow burn?

Silence

Have you ever heard that silence can be deafening? That’s kind of what I felt like yesterday and again, right now... I have been so used to the endless chatter inside my mind that it is overwhelmingly different as the silence settles in... not that I can’t hear or see my thoughts... just that it’s one train in one voice instead of 4-6 in different tones... uniting myself has been a goal of mine for about 3 years... so for it to finally happen and for me to have to lose and let go of so much to make it happen, I am kind of surprised... it is even different to write because I don’t have other perspectives chiming in!!

I guess I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto that had the potential to hurt me again and it was too much for me, so my traumatic coping mechanisms were functioning at high capacity...  it is an unexpected blessing uncovered in my latest heartbreak... maybe that’s why I waited and I wasn’t ready... because I really needed to feel safe and protected and for that to be proven. Now that the proof is no longer required, it seems like the system is no longer needed!

I wonder how long I will feel like this...

My Dragon Slumbers

The peace within my life right now is unfathomable... I mean... I was once at a high level of peace, prior to my son dying, but I never thought I would get there or anywhere near there again... I had come to peace with my past, with my life, with my son’s condition... and then he died and I slipped into a depressing black hole and attracted a lot of distraction, mess, and devastation into my life... Even the pretty shiny things were really just maggot filled apples in disguise... with a spell of grief and hope blocking my true sight...

As I have now cleared the last of those mirages from my sight, my vision and mind are clearing. I am no longer on the protective defensive... I am now on the leading edge of my life... I am no longer torturing myself for love... I am now deeply focused on the joy within my relationships... I am no longer entertaining others who don’t align with my virtues of honesty, loyalty, and trust... I am now understanding that love is not enough for me when those truths aren’t present in someone... I am no longer unconditionally accepting anyone into my arms... I am now worth the level of judgement needed to discern the people I want in my life... let God or whatever you believe in hold onto unconditional love... my connective love comes with conditions... and I have learned that that’s okay and I’m worth it.

I did not understand the burden I was carrying with me until she decided to go back to sleep... my dragon slumbers... only to awaken when my protection is needed again... thank you Daphne... thank you for always being there to protect me and keep me safe... thank you for standing firm in your ideas of how we need to be treated before I spread my legs... thank you for looking down your nose at me when I fell crying... and then for offering your hand to pick me back up with your smug and sarcastic “I told you so” grin... and thank you for leaving when you are no longer needed so that the undeserving are not eviscerated by your scornful and hateful gaze. I will and will not miss you...

Never Enough, No Its Never Enough!!

You know when you hit a wall and you’re feeling like you aren’t enough... just not enough for anyone in your life... you didn’t move quick enough, you didn’t overcome your own shit fast enough, you couldn’t develop the trust you need cuz of the other voices in your head (maybe not this one cuz I’m crazy), you didn’t give enough of the time or effort you should have...

And instead of a flood of support from those who say they love you, the escape that your looking for, the connection that you need to make it through, there is a pull away and a separation that happens...

And then, one thing in this pile of hot mess is picked back up and shoved in your face, like you didn’t know it was there... and it all just makes you feel even more horrible and reminds you of how you just couldn’t change yourself to be enough for someone else... or even for someone else’s someone else!!

I keep crying about how I just don’t seem to be enough right now... that song keeps playing in my head... the bitch in my head is screaming it at me and laughing

“It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be”

 -Five Finger Death Punch 

Some things in life are doomed because of the hauntings of the past... new life lesson... how can I tell the difference? I can’t... time to stop trying to fuck with things from the past... it doesn’t work out... I used to be a 3 chances girl... but I think when it comes to my heart and people, I need to make it a one and done. This shit hurts.

Skewering

Sick and tired... I woke up this morning sick... yesterday was a pretty emotional day... well... Friday and Saturday... and now I’m feeling drained and tired... hearts and bodies are interesting things, you know...

I was having a hard day... emotions all over the place... trying to stay singular at my nephew’s first birthday party, when I really wanted to be plural... taking way too many breaks to stay in character... you know... that’s what it feels like when I have to suppress my alters... like I’m an actress staying in character... I thought I was doing a great job until the end of the party when my mom asked if something was up... I said I would talk to her about it later. She knows I’m poly, but wasn’t aware that one of my relationships ended via text during the party...

On the ride home, I was sad and sullen... 2 hours of riding like that, with my amazing hubby telling me he loves me... telling me that I’m enough and not too much at the same time... telling me that I am perfect for him and that anyone who walks away doesn’t deserve me... reminding me that there are other fish in the sea... telling me that I can never have too many platonic friends... and me trying to smile... trying to show him that I’m alright... that i can be better...

When we got home, we watched some shows and then he fucked me so hard, I cried. He asked if it felt like he was skewering me... I cried a yes... tears ran down my face as he fucked me so hard and I couldn’t slip away... my head was too full of emotional energy and I couldn’t escape the pain into subspace like I normally do when he fucks me too hard... he tried to help in ways we have discovered  and I smacked his hands away and felt the internal stabbing deeply... to have your heart and your pussy skewered is one way to live a day... so I leaned in and let him hurt me. He came so hard when my hips took over and tried to hold him off... his face looked distraught as I continued to cry big sobbing tears... he doesn’t like to see me cry...

We whispered I love yous and I cuddled/cried into my teddy bear until I fell asleep.

Gratitude for 2018

I am so happy for this new year! It feels like a cleanse has happened and all of the garbage is out of my life. Even my house is cleaner, lol! On Sunday, before the new year, Daddy set out a list of new chores for the kiddos and myself to maintain a nice clean house. This was always his forte since I suck about thinking about a clean house. I have a little bit of a Cinderella complex from my youth that makes me need a firm list of things to clean and punishments if said cleaning is not done so I can focus!

Thankfully, he only focused on creating the kid chores. He left mine all the same with one exception!! I no longer have to do the bathrooms!! Yay! Since then, I have been able to wake up every morning to a clean house that smells good. The floors are swept, mopped, and vacuumed at least once a day. The bathrooms are cleaned at least once a day. It has been amazing!

As I enter this new year with a decluttered home and a decluttered mind, I can’t help but reflect on and be grateful for a few things over 2018!

I am grateful to my sister for giving us my niece. I know it was an easy yet hard decision... easy cuz my niece was being a straight up asshole to her. Hard because giving away your child is always difficult.

I am grateful to my Daddy for being with me and holding my hand through all things. You are my rock and my strength. You are my heart and my wonder. You are my everything and I am glad to be yours. Fuck everything and everyone else babe! We got this!!

I am grateful for the lies of a brat princess as she gave me another chance with my Sire by pretending change and then left once the pretending was too much, giving me back my Daddy. Her presence has finally made its way out of my heart completely with our last interaction in 2018. It was just what I needed!

I am grateful for my sons! So grateful for how they have grown and how they show is that our parenting style works... this part seems small, but it has been instrumental in culturally shifting my niece into our environment.

I am grateful for the consistent, honest, and amazing people I have in my life. They are the backbone that makes me believe in humanity. I almost lost faith this year, lol, but you all kept me solid.

I am grateful for my DID. I have been learning how to be more in tune with myself over this last year and am even down to only 4 now! I have also met a few other DID individuals and a few of my friends have been able to interact with and see the various me’s... all of my life, I have thought of it as a curse and a hinderance... until this last year, when I sat down and truly studied where it came from and why I still have it. I am blessed to have such a powerful mind to work with!

I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have not abandoned me. You are a blessing in my life every day. I love you.