Silence

Have you ever heard that silence can be deafening? That’s kind of what I felt like yesterday and again, right now... I have been so used to the endless chatter inside my mind that it is overwhelmingly different as the silence settles in... not that I can’t hear or see my thoughts... just that it’s one train in one voice instead of 4-6 in different tones... uniting myself has been a goal of mine for about 3 years... so for it to finally happen and for me to have to lose and let go of so much to make it happen, I am kind of surprised... it is even different to write because I don’t have other perspectives chiming in!!

I guess I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto that had the potential to hurt me again and it was too much for me, so my traumatic coping mechanisms were functioning at high capacity...  it is an unexpected blessing uncovered in my latest heartbreak... maybe that’s why I waited and I wasn’t ready... because I really needed to feel safe and protected and for that to be proven. Now that the proof is no longer required, it seems like the system is no longer needed!

I wonder how long I will feel like this...