The Last Box

Break-ups suck... let’s face it... especially when things end badly... which in our case with the Princess, it did... and after it ends badly with over two years of living together, it can sometimes take a while to locate all of the left over items... after thoroughly scouring, cleaning, and organizing my whole house, I finally collected the last few items...

There were just four... a blanket, a mask, a crystal, and some jumper cables... how interesting... so I collected these remaining items and stuck them in a box and wrote her name on it. I was really looking forward to off loading the final items and reminders of her existence... you see, it hurts to think about her... to think about her infiltrating our lives and my home with a lie... to know that I loved her enough to care about her health and well being only to see a pic on social media the other day showing that she never really cared about that either... it literally made me cry after my yoga this last Sunday... seeing her go back on all the work she did to honor a promise to her brother about her heart health... if that was even true... to remember how well she took care of my bratty little Goddess self... to remember the smile that she put on my Daddy’s face because his love for her was real... his little gypsy princess and social butterfly...

When I showed up to a safe space to give her the items, she startled me by being close to my car as I got out and a giggle burst out... in my head, I heard my ex say... “See! I told you so.” I had argued with him that her health had become too important to her for her to just let it go and that I hoped she stayed on track even though she left us. Shit! I had even offered her continuous accountability, regardless of what she had done to us... to him... she asked what and I said nothing and bye... deadpan look in the eyes and solidly present to that very moment... she took the things and wished me a good workout... I couldn’t help myself when I replied back that I hoped she had a good workout too, soon... totally a bitchy thing to say... but I was disappointed... and I’m okay with being a little bitchy now and then versus losing myself to an abundance of bitchiness later.

Thankfully, I turned and walked into my happy place and worked that shit out. I no longer have the reminders and have blocked a few people on a few things so that I don’t drive myself crazy with cyber stalking them... all I need to do now is stay in the present moment and this will become a closed chapter in a closed book regarding the different things that helped us overcome the loss of our son. As always, I am in gratitude for the lessons that life has thrown my way. I have learned to trust my heart and to be the strong and firm woman that I am... never back down... never surrender... love everyone, but only give my heart to the ones willing to meet my expectations.

Hitachi murder

I am so fucking upset at myself for breaking my favorite toy in a blind rage. I was just so disappointed and angry... and... and... argh... I’ll start at the beginning.

I had been chatting on and off with him for a little while this morning, in between private sessions... He asked if I liked to submit... and I answered with a yes... but that it was a bratty kind of submission... he laughed and took me into a private session... he asked about a few limits... we set up a safe word... then he had me take off my clothes and give him a detailed explanation on my history with submission in person... we were interacting via cam, but he was more interested in my lifestyle play, so I obliged. As I told him of my history of submission, from slave to brat princess, he had me start massaging my breasts hard. He asked me a question about what I have liked so far along my journey.

Then he had me smack my breasts... I stopped talking to smack them and he punished me for not continuing to talk... he never said I could stop talking, so I had to smack my breasts 10 times each... and something clicked within me... my brain realized that I was serving a Dom... it’s been a minute since I have played with a Dom... my hubby is a Daddy and my last ex was trying to let me be the dominant one per my request, so his domliness was shut down... I snapped into that lovely sub space where my brat quiets... I don’t like punishments...

He asked me about the last time I played in public and had me put my hands behind my head as I spoke. Going over the flogging I gave, he had me start rubbing my pussy hard. I dropped my other hand when I started to play with myself and got 10 titty smacks for not having my hand that was not in use behind my head... and that lil click happened again... and I apologized for dropping my hand...

Then, he had me place my hitachi in my panties, hands behind head, and had me put it on high... then gave me the command not to cum... and all hell broke loose... I couldn’t last for 10 fucking seconds! Tears burst out of my eyes... all of a sudden, I was crying and apologizing for failing... he laughed... teasing me “What, lil girl? You can cum on command, but you can’t control yourself to not cum?” And I told him that all of the men I had been with had always pushed for me to cum... not one ever wanted me to avoid that pleasure, so it was not a skill set I was familiar with... he thanked me for my honesty and my pussy got slapped 20 times for that failure... he had me put on 3 more pairs of panties and set a timer for 1 minute... I just had to not cum for that one minute. He kept telling me focus on how disappointed he would be if I came before the time and called me a bitch and a slut... and I made it the full minute! I was rewarded with an orgasm and I was feeling good...

Then he pushed it to 2 minutes... no orgasm for 2 minutes would mean that I was allowed to orgasm... but if I orgasmed before the time was up, then it would be 40 titty and pussy spankings... I told him that I wasn’t going to make it... he said that I could, just like the last time... so I agreed and started it. 30 seconds in, he yelled for me to stop... to put it right on my clit, and to tell him what I thought of the session so far... I said that I knew I would fail this time... my orgasms come more frequently once one has hit... he said to do it anyway... I made it a minute and 17 seconds before the orgasm ripped through my body at which point, I pull the hitachi out of my panties and slammed it into the ground hard as I roared at my failure. Then it made a cracking noise and a high pitched whine with no more vibration... I murdered my hitachi!!! Angry at myself and fiercely crying, he had me sit and calm down... he asked why I was so upset... I looked at him and said that I don’t like to fail and disappoint my dominant... I pride myself in perfection... he said that was obvious and stated that it must be nice to learn something new about yourself... he didn’t punish me... said that the lesson that I needed to learn was that my best is good enough...

Thank you universe... you find so many ways to teach me these fucking lessons.

Building Our Dreams

I sit in wonder at everything I have in my life. I have been reading this book called “The Slight Edge”  and it recommended writing your dreams down and then fleshing them out. As I wrote down my dreams, it was so cool to see all of the things I have already accomplished and all of the things we want next.

It is so nice to finally start seeing the silver lining in the pain of the past... without that pain, I would still be in an office job instead of being a stay at home mom with a cam job on the side, which I love! It helps me be naughty and kinky with other naughty kinky people and make money doing it! It’s also so much more flexible than having to go in to work and the biggest plus is that I don’t have to drive!! When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom, but that was derailed when my son got sick and my hubby was let go in the housing crash of ‘08. Now, I get to get my hubby ready for work, get the kiddos ready for school, and be the happy little housewife and mom I was meant to be.

I am pleasantly amused and surprised that all of the work, time, money, and emotional turmoil that went into maintaining a long con for another actually provided me with the tools and space to create whatever I wanted to. Who would have thought that all of that pain would release into the stuff of dreams...

And today, we found out that my hubby can work from home sometimes, so I am already getting to spend even more time with him. My heart is so happy!!! Now if only he would let me suck his dick while he works... teehee...

And even after reading this to him, he still didn’t whip it out!! He just looked at me over his computer monitor and told me he loved me... not the response this dirty lil whore wanted... maybe if I just go pull it out... teehee...

Read that too and now he’s giving me work to do... has to get this work done today, so doesn’t want any “unnecessary distractions”... I should probably stop before I get a spankin... or should I keep poking my PapaBear... what is a lil girl to do? Teehee...

Always and Forever

I keep randomly crying since playing with the sadist in my computer... he had me paddle myself for a straight 15 min... once the tears started to fall, he demanded I thank him for punishing me for being so slutty... I thanked him... and then he had me spank my lil pussy... it hurt so bad... he had me kneel and thank him again to end our scene... then he asked me how I was feeling... I said warm and sore and tired... he said that he thoroughly enjoyed it, especially knowing that I am not a masochist and hoped I had found some form of pleasure... I told him that it was nice to cry, to which he inquired on that being the dream... I told him that the dream is to be broken... not necessarily to cry... but to be at a level that strips me of everything I am and helps me build back up from there...

And since then, random fucking waterworks... cried in the shower today, which was a regular thing for me over the past 3 years, but I haven’t cried in the shower since everything settled down... I am more than grateful for my life now, full of love and connection. I can feel these tears cleansing my heart and clearing my eyes so I can be open to our next adventures. I also just have a lot of feels inside. I’m not great at emotioning... but I’m getting better... my feelings are so intense and apparently non-negotiable, lol. If I don’t feel and honor them, I know I can be setting myself up for another episode and I am so tired of losing myself.

Now, when we are together, my hubby and I sink into each other again, which I didn’t even know I was missing... that’s not exactly right... I guess I didn’t even know that our emotional intimacy had been shifted... it makes sense... our energies struggled with intertwining for a lil while there, now that I look back... a disconnect of some sort happened in 2015... and we went through a lot that year... it only took 3 years for us to reconnect... looking at that now, it could have been longer... many marriages don’t survive the kinds of things that we have been through... the silver lining in poly is that we had to communicate and continue to work on ourselves to make that clusterfuck work... and when it stopped working, we clung to each other and remembered our promise of forever. 

I kiss his tears and he kisses mine. We hold each other’s hands and soothe away the pain and frustration of the past few years and remember that we will always have each other. As the world quiets and settles, we are reminded of all of the blessings that we have that rise above all of the bullshit. 

Always and forever!!

Birthday wish

The lil princess sits next to her Daddy, watching a show, looking at him out of the side of her eye. She watches, waiting for the right time to ask for her birthday request... it had flashed once through her head earlier that day while playing with the sadist in her computer... he had mentioned tying her to the bed and doing whatever he wanted... as Daddy sits next to her, that dark tendril slides through her mind once more...

“Daddy... may I have a favor?”

Nothing... he goes on watching the show... she thinks that he didn’t hear her... he must not have... oh well... that was the last of her...

“What favor, baby girl? Whisper it in Daddy’s ear...” he grins... how could she think he didn’t hear her... after all this time, he still trips her up... keeps her on her toes...

“Daddy... for my special early birthday time, can you play with me before bedtime” she blushes heavily, like it’s hard for her to ask for things... cuz it really is and no one understands...

“What kind of play, baby?” He grins again... a little wider this time...

“Can you strip me and tie me to the bed and use me however you want?”

“Anything else, lil girl?”

“Ummm... can you... ummm... use my.... ummm... dog bone gag and a blindfold, Daddy?”

He giggles... “I suppose I can do that for your birthday, babygirl.” His smile is wide... and so is hers...

Peace

I sat in peace today... blissful, uninterrupted peace... for about 15 minutes... and then I started my day... I have been getting into a wonderful morning practice of meditation and I feel like this, mixed with my clearance of all the old thought patterns, is creating a solid baseline of inner peace for me... I am sitting, like a watcher in my mind and policing my thoughts... catching the ones that aren’t creating the future and imploding them... poof... poof... I would have to say that I have become a decent poofer (in Adam Sandler’s voice) teehee

I had an amazing day at work... especially for a Tuesday... helped so many men get off and also came a few times myself. It was perfect... I have a new surveillance camera that we were going to install for personal safety reasons... but since that is no longer needed for that purpose, I set it up in the room and Daddy watched as I played on cam... talk about taking care of 2 for the price of 1, lol... now he can stop in and watch me any time he has free time at work... it’s almost as good as being in the next room!

Then, my kiddos got home from school and all the chores got completed and homework done quickly. It was smooth and nice. My home is now a peace filled place... my heart is also full of peace... peace is really nice... and here I thought it would be boring... it’s really not... and I really deserve this calm... especially after all of my storms...

Back to Baseline

Man, has my life been a fucking drama whirlwind... especially over the last few months... everywhere I looked, there was drama! Ending relationships, moving people in, moving people out, and mental health issues thrown in for good measure... but it is finally all over and we are back to our baseline.

So what do I do now that the drama has stopped?

Well, I went to the gym and worked out yesterday. He and the boys cleaned the house and yard. When I got home, we watched family movies and cuddled with our boys. We ordered pizza for dinner and got ice cream at the store. We got our chores done... watched some home renovation shows as we dreamt about what our next home will look like. We gave the kiddos night-night luvins and went to bed on time, without worrying for the first time in months.

My Daddy said he had a new body goal and it was to put a lil weight on so his dick isn’t soooooo big.. side note, when my Daddy lost 200 pounds, he gained like 2 extra inches of dick, lol... I told him that I would be much happier if we could just take down the half an inch that bruises my insides when he’s fucking me soooo deep, his favorite way... oh dear god, how I wish I could be a masochist and love the pain that comes with a deep, hard fucking... and then he fucked me gently and it was so good to be choked and grabbed and growled at without internal bruising... to feel the want and need in him for me and in me for him... and then we cuddled a lil while before falling asleep...

This morning, as I lay in bed listening to him breathe and writing about our night, I can’t help but recognize how amazing our baseline is... we will have been married for 14 years coming up in less thank 2 weeks... we have an amazing family and a home we own outright... we have amazing sex and get to play with and have fun with awesome people when we can make it work... we love each other so deeply and thoroughly... all the quirks... everything and forever... I am such a lucky lil goddess.