Always and Forever

I keep randomly crying since playing with the sadist in my computer... he had me paddle myself for a straight 15 min... once the tears started to fall, he demanded I thank him for punishing me for being so slutty... I thanked him... and then he had me spank my lil pussy... it hurt so bad... he had me kneel and thank him again to end our scene... then he asked me how I was feeling... I said warm and sore and tired... he said that he thoroughly enjoyed it, especially knowing that I am not a masochist and hoped I had found some form of pleasure... I told him that it was nice to cry, to which he inquired on that being the dream... I told him that the dream is to be broken... not necessarily to cry... but to be at a level that strips me of everything I am and helps me build back up from there...

And since then, random fucking waterworks... cried in the shower today, which was a regular thing for me over the past 3 years, but I haven’t cried in the shower since everything settled down... I am more than grateful for my life now, full of love and connection. I can feel these tears cleansing my heart and clearing my eyes so I can be open to our next adventures. I also just have a lot of feels inside. I’m not great at emotioning... but I’m getting better... my feelings are so intense and apparently non-negotiable, lol. If I don’t feel and honor them, I know I can be setting myself up for another episode and I am so tired of losing myself.

Now, when we are together, my hubby and I sink into each other again, which I didn’t even know I was missing... that’s not exactly right... I guess I didn’t even know that our emotional intimacy had been shifted... it makes sense... our energies struggled with intertwining for a lil while there, now that I look back... a disconnect of some sort happened in 2015... and we went through a lot that year... it only took 3 years for us to reconnect... looking at that now, it could have been longer... many marriages don’t survive the kinds of things that we have been through... the silver lining in poly is that we had to communicate and continue to work on ourselves to make that clusterfuck work... and when it stopped working, we clung to each other and remembered our promise of forever. 

I kiss his tears and he kisses mine. We hold each other’s hands and soothe away the pain and frustration of the past few years and remember that we will always have each other. As the world quiets and settles, we are reminded of all of the blessings that we have that rise above all of the bullshit. 

Always and forever!!