Watching my son as he slowly drifts away from me... Holding his hand as he struggles just to breathe... Looking into his eyes, even though he is staring right through me...
He is so young... This is so hard... I needed to escape so I came here...
I thought my heart was broken by the dissolution of my secondary relationships, but that was nothing compared to this pain. While I am in this headspace, I am trying to make peace with everything. I feel like once my son passes, I am going to let all of this big ball of sadness go at the same time. The universe can take all of this hurt and pain and depression and sadness away... I would like my sunshine back please!
In case you are reading this, I love you and I want you to know that these snippets will help me when I read this later, but in no means encompasses everything you meant to me and everything I appreciated in you. These are things that will trigger memories for me. Who knows... Maybe one day, when all my shit settles down, I won't be missing any of these things... A girl can always hope... And I always will... Sometimes, the stars can realign...
My Queen and your huge heart and beautiful soul, who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask or stand up for it. I will miss playing with you and feeling like your barbie doll, which I absolutely adored. I loved dressing up and becoming even closer to your version of what my beautiful would be with your assistance. You are so beautiful, inside and out and in that delicate place where inside and outside meet, I will especially miss tasting you... Yummy!
My Sir and Your bright light that filled my heart with such joy in such dark times. i wish i could have fulfilled being Your girlfriend, and i will miss our school yard kisses and Your delicious cock... Thank goodness I still have the purple version of You since I always have my naughty imagination ;)
My pretty girl and your intellect and fun quippy conversations, always quick to respond and help me pull myself out of the situation. I will miss hearing about your day and our make out sessions... And especially chewing on your nipples...mmmmm...
My sweet husband... Yes, I will miss you too. You are no longer the man that would put himself through a hell inside to give me whatever I want. You have decided to step into the Master that I have always wanted You to be. I will miss your sweet puppy dog looks and the way you let me get away with murder. I still need to wait to see what else I will miss since you will also probably change quite a bit due to this impossible situation with our son.
My version of me now... I am not quite sure what I will miss in this because I am not yet sure what pieces i will lose or change when i lose my little man. I don't know who i will become as a woman who lost a child and still has 2 others to raise and a life to push forward in... But I know that I like this most recent version. I am fun and daring. I love hard and fast. I give everything I can to anyone who really wants it. I get in front of people, naked! I love a good anal screwing and to get a cock as deep into my throat as it will go. I love and live for rope and wish I could just be harnessed every day, lol. I like this version of my crazy... It has been very fun...
I just wanted to recount all of this so I don't forget. I don't want to forget things and I have such a horrible memory. Anything to take my mind off of what is happening in this room with me... As he breathes and I stare at him... Crying, praying, hoping, wishing, hurting, wondering, asking, begging... I feel like I am dieing too... Glad for the escape...
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