Poem #1 from Sire

i received this beautiful poem from Sweetheart's Daddy, who i will refer to as Sire from this point on.

"Kisses that matter...
Twinkling eyes that flatter...
Caresses that make the heart pitter-patter...

A solitary tear rides a wave of emotion...
Intimate acts that inspire devotion...
The smell of her skin compels my body to motion...

Her smile tender and innocent as a dove...
Entwined bodies fit like a glove...
An acorn is planted, will it grow love?..


From me to you my sweet....:)"

Posted with permission, of course...

The kisses that matter

So, right now, i am trying to learn about a different way for my poly heart to get what it needs without destroying my primary relationship in the process and without hurting others... Focusing on connections where our dynamic stays whole and playing with others that understand our dynamic is important. i am finding that this is one of the important parts to having a healthy marriage in this dynamic for us, if we want to enjoy being poly.

i had so much fun with Sweetheart's Daddy last night and my Daddy had so much fun with Sweetheart and we were able to stay together the entire night! i loved the ability to share the experiences with my Daddy and i was also happy to see how proud He was of His little whore as i serviced her Daddy to the best of my ability.

A couple of days before last night, we determined that i would be ready to do anything with Sweetheart's Daddy that Daddy wanted to do with Sweetheart that was permitable. i knew that He was interested in sex at the most, so i was fully prepared to have sex again. i was a little worried, because of the past... But if i let the past dictate my actions, i would shut down that part of me entirely, losing a piece of myself. i refuse to lose a piece of me due to fear... i focused on being present with her Daddy and he took amazing care of me, getting to experience the pleasure of me squirting, lol...

In one part of the evening, Daddy and Sweetheart were in the other room, playing with electric on the bed (the look on His face as He zapped her and she giggled was priceless - so fucking happy - goofy kid-like grin), and i was laying down, back all the way in the couch, with her Daddy laying in front of me. We laid there, cuddling, chatting, and sharing little kisses, which is one of the most intimate acts that i feel like i can share with someone...

These kisses were a part of our conversation... Our mouths learning each other after sharing words of the past... Deep passionate hard kisses, soft little quick kisses, nibbling sharp smooth kisses, big wet sloppy kisses... Topics and kisses of all kinds... And then, there i lay, eyes closed after a deep kiss, his face hovering above mine... i opened my eyes to see his lips parted, but not going in for the kiss this time... Letting me come to him, tentatively, searching, light little licks on his lips...

The kisses that mattered were those... Little explorations into the temptation of an open heart who understands me with a familiarity that is interesting... Understands my losses... Understands my heart... Understands my dislike of this wall i have built to protect me from myself... Understands my need to go slow... Understands the offering of hope and the passage of time... Understands the kisses that matter...

For now, i am so very pleased with how well i followed my Daddy's directions and with how proud i made Him. i worship the ground that He walks on and would do anything for Him...  The new experiences are serving as wonderful distractions from my pain...

Blocks - written Friday... Forgot to post it, lol

So, i made it through Thanksgiving... Phew... And now i am eagerly awaiting Saturday...

i am such a good girl for my Daddy. He has been telling me about how proud i make Him every day. i have not been this happy in a while outside of the emotional breaks i have had in relation to my son. When i am with Him, my focus is on Him, so i am able to serve Him better. i feel that He is actively engaged in our conversations and that He is taking the time to make sure i am okay.

My trust in Him is increasing more each day. My heart is so guarded right now because it hurt to love... i don't want to hurt, but should i rob myself of the ability to love because i am scared of hurting? For now, i am still blocked, but i think that in time, my blocks will soften and i will trust and love again...

Punishments Renewed

My first punishment happened on Tuesday of all days. Already in a poor mood because of the upcoming holiday, Daddy allowed me to stay home from work and decided to play to see if that would help me feel better as play usually does...

We start off with a blow job, which is a normal start for us, but he is going harder and more furious then ever and i feel myself heaving. i tap out and for the first time, He ignores it! Straight up ignores me, causing me to vomit all over His cock, which i personally feel is disgusting. i kept as much in my hands and mouth as i could, running to the bathroom. i finished vomiting in there... 

i came out of the bathroom frustrated... i hate vomiting and He knows it and yet He pushed me there... Unintentionally, He says, but i think He would have listened to my tap out if He did not want to push me so hard... So then He gets a new toy that we have played with once and hits the same spot 3 times in a row after i said my position was fine, with attitude... Who cares that i started out having the shittiest day in the world... Who cares that just moments ago, i was ignored and it caused me to do something i hate doing unintentionally... Well, i do... i care...

So I started yelling at him that it hurt and he threw the toy down and stomped away to the shower... At which point, i followed him to ask why he would promise to give me such a fun and relaxing time, only to hit me really hard with a toy we haven't really used... He ignored me and got in the shower...

Later, He told me that it was a punishment and  that He gave it to me because of my attitude. i explained my automatic response and that we hadn't worked on training and i wasn't aware that a punishment would even be coming. i apologized for my inappropriate response and requested that Daddy let me try to take my punishment again.

So He did... And i took it... Like a good girl... And then we played...

Slipping

i am slipping back into the abyss of darkness within my sad heart. Thanksgiving is coming and my mind keeps catching on my son not being there. My eyes pour out the tears and my heart slowly sobs. i am having difficulty thinking of anything else...

i miss his laugh... Oh goodness do i miss his laugh... i can picture him wandering around at dinner pulling pieces of food off of everyone's plates... He was such a food thief! If you didn't let him take any food, he was likely to lean in and bite you and then lean back and giggle about it...

Such a fresh and open wound, festering with remorse, guilt, regret, and bewilderment... i am remorseful that he is no longer in my life and miss hearing his noises... Sometimes, i watch videos on the times we were together to feel him with me. i feel guilty for spending time on people other than him. Then, i see the good and remember that they provided me with a welcome escape during an extremely emotional and devastating time in my life...

... i feel regret for not being right next to him the second he passed... Daddy was there, but i just couldn't stare at him as he withered away... i am bewildered by my ability to be okay and keep pushing forward on some days and by my inability to do so on others... Today is one of those sad days...

i am not okay. A piece of me has not been right since i lost my little boy... When will i ever be alright again... It feels like never right now...

Pleasing Daddies

Last night was so fun on so many levels. To start off the night, we visited with several friends. i love socializing with my friends and seeing all the fun designs. My prior rigger was there suspending his wife and tying up their new girlfriend. It was nice to chat with all three and not feel as if i was crazy. i am so happy to see them enjoying the life i was a part of showing to them. i love helping people open their eyes to all of life's pleasures...

Daddy tied me up first, with a harness that we had practiced at puppy's house. He did an amazing job and was great at fitting it around me. He then found another tie in the book to wrap up my hips. He was exquisite. i felt His love in His hands as He laid His rope across my naked skin.

When He went out for a smoke, He took me with Him and hid me behind a wall to avoid being seen by the public. It was exciting!! Then, He left me just inside the door as He threw His cigarette away. i stayed there, like a good girl and waited for Him to come to me.

We chatted with friends for a bit and then Daddy took the tie off and retied my hands above my head and behind my back. After a couple of pictures, He removed the tie. Then, as He helped a new couple start to tie, i sat with the couple we played with on Saturday.

i enjoyed chatting with the sweetheart about educational pursuits, which i love to discuss. i also enjoyed watching her Daddy tie another woman. i inquired on if he would tie me and he said he would with my Daddy's permission. i asked Him and Daddy said yes!!

On our way back from the restroom (always important to go potty before getting tied up), He bought a new dragon tail with a yellow striped handle. He gave it to the sweetheart and she started practicing with it on my nipples, which was very lovely.

Then, her Daddy tied me up. His rope was soft and red. As he laid his rope, i could feel the amount of control he was exercising as his hands rubbed and grazed my body. The rope hugged my arms to my side and still allowed me to move slightly. His soft touch and happy countenance brought me such joy. He even apologized any time his hands came in contact with my panties! What a gentleman!

After taking pictures, her Daddy untied the rope. While it was coming off, i started to slip into space. my Daddy leaned in and issued the command to orgasm, and so i slipped further and came in His arms. He whispered into my ear that i was a good girl.

Then, we showed Daddy what the sweetheart's practice with the dragon tail perfected. One of the snaps got me to an 8 and then Daddy pinched it and escalated it to a 9, which brought tears to my eyes... Daddy gave me a hug and told me how proud He was of me, which made the tears worth it... Made anything in the world worth it. i love pleasing Him!

Returning to U/us

My serving nature is coming back!! It was awakened again after the party on Saturday. Today, I had another panic attack when I woke up, but Daddy helped me settle back down by allowing me to suck his cock. Kneeling down between his legs and using a new technique that he asked for after this weekend...

When he first asked me to change the way I gave him a blow job, I became upset. I mean, I have been deep throating the shit out of his cock for a little over the last year cuz that is what he wanted. Then he bragged about it and I got to share my gift with others and now, he wants it different... I just thought to myself that I must not have been giving him the best over the last year and I was disappointed that I hadn't done better... Found better for him...

Then, I talked to him about this feeling instead of bottling it up and trying to push it down and he reminded me that I am amazing. He told me that I have given him amazing blow jobs this whole time and that he had forgotten how good it was to let me play with it before going balls deep. He reminded me that I changed my style to fit his needs then, just as I would now...

And I knew... I knew that he was impacted by this weekend as well... I knew we had grown back together again... I knew that we were U/us again...

Private Play Party cherry popped!

Last night was our first private play party and it was amazing! Our Host and hostess had delicious snacks, booze, and a fun space. We had an amazing time!

To start off the night, we went out to eat with puppy and her Master. Walking into a Rubio's dressed for a fun adult party was awesome! i personally loved the attention i received whenever getting up to refill our drinks. 

Then, we showed up to the party with my rope back pack, our suitcase of fun, my purse, and a lunch box of bottled waters. We all hung out in the kitchen and chatted for a bit until Daddy wanted to play. We got the party started of course! That is my favorite part... Being the first to be bold enough to get naked and start playing with toys. 

So i get on the cross and Daddy takes out our new bison flogger, which we just purchased that morning at the Kink Karnival and he had been looking for and wanting for the last 6 months, and starts getting me with it. It was thuddy at times and stingy at times. An interesting feeling across the board. i LOVED it! It slowly pushed me into a nice sunny space... Well that and the vodka, lol...

Then, Daddy bent me over the couch and used our new cane bundle (don't know what else to call it, lol) on my ass for a while. i am also pretty sure that He used a couple of the paddles as well. i felt so cared for! 

We played with the stupid electric wand as well, but He used pretty low settings because He knows i hate it. He loves me do much to consider that. i kept telling Him that He should still play with it, even though i don't like it because i get off on pleasing Him... It is nice to know that He heard me. i just love Him so much...

Did i forget to mention that i had a shock collar on the whole time? Oh ya, it looks like i did... 4 shocks and only 1 was for doing something wrong... The other 3 were just showing how it works... The thing i did wrong... Forgot the extension cord for the electric wand... Fucking electric always gets me in trouble... Lol

After that, we took a break. Then Ma'am arrived and i entered into a different head space all together... A space I/i haven't lived in before... She is captivating... And i just want to serve perfectly to make her proud of me. I am finding that I want my caregivers to be proud of me and who i am and what i bring into the experience. i think it hits me harder with her, but i don't know why... 

Why would i feel so compelled to make her proud when i don't feel as compelled with my Daddy?  Great question to ponder...

The rope work she performed was just what i needed. She tied and jostled me about at the same time, pushing and pulling, tipping and adjusting. She choked me and i dropped a little deeper into my space... i felt safe and calm and happy... 

After putting Her rope away (hopefully i did a good job... i will be practicing that method before Friday), i stood up to find Daddy on the couch having fun with a wonderful sweetheart that we have known for a while. It made me so happy to see Him experiencing that moment with joy on His face. He looked over to me and the faintest look of concern crossed His face... He is so thoughtful!

i immediately allayed His concern by coming to Him and joining in. i also enjoyed getting to please her Daddy orally as well. We had connected earlier in the party when discussing the loss of my son. It was nice for me to see that he was still happy and alive at the end of the day... You know... Hope...

At the end of the night, i felt safe, appreciated, loved, and acknowledged. i felt that my Daddy was proud of me and hoped that i also made Ma'am proud as well...i think i have found that bringing pride to my Daddy puts the biggest smile on my face...

Playing hooky

So, i stayed home from work today with Daddy. i just felt that today was a day to reconnect... Spend time together, just us two, with kids at school and daycare... i was right... We needed it...

In focusing on my happiness, i am increasing communication with my Daddy... For those who know me, you are probably thinking, what? How can i increase communication? i am probably the most talkative person anyone knows... But really, i talk about a lot, just not myself and my feelings... Especially when i think those feelings would make someone else feel horrible... The feelings i have that could upset someone else get locked away unless they serve a logical purpose... Until now...

So i told Daddy that i wanted a day for us and He gave it to me. He took me to a movie that was funny but sad. Then we went to my favorite burger place and He ordered me this amazing burger that i would not have ordered for myself as i am still trying to flatten my tummy, lol... And it was delicious as all get out...

When we got home, He had me dress up in my red school girl outfit and then we played with two knives... One that we had played with before and another one that He had not messed with because it is the real deal... A sharpened Buck knife... He told me not to move and used it blade side down on my face, chest, and arms... i felt safe, yet daring and overly excited...

It felt like my face was opening as He drew the blade down my left cheek, but He did not leave a single scratch... The amount of control He had over me and over the knife was intoxicating and i remembered why i gave myself to Him as a slave 6 and a half years ago... Why our love has always worked for us... What i, myself, was looking for... We lost it in the most difficult times in our lives... But i can see the glimmer of hope that we can get that back and even better... We have made mistakes, sure... But that's life... And we are fucking living it, hahaha...

Great friends and next steps

My heart feels as though it is starting to heal... i am glad that i am focusing on feeling my feelings. i can feel sad and upset and that is okay and so is feeling happy and excited. Being vulnerable is so hard because i can never be quite sure who to trust with my heart and with my secrets. i am glad i have a great group of friends who know me.

After talking with one in length today, i was surprised at how amazing i felt when i decided to say that right now, my happiness is what matters to me. Normally, i throw myself into trying to make someone else's dreams come true... Well, not anymore... Right now, i am focusing on my dreams and what i want in life.

Step 1: What do i want in life?
- happy home life with time spent together
- financial security and freedom
- yearly vacations
- have our home work smoothly and cohesively
- look and feel good and confident
- make the world a better place
- offer support and advocacy

Step 2: let life happen and focus on these items - jk

Right now, i can focus on having our home work smoothly and cohesively. The first step in this is to clean the house so it is like new... Can't really redecorate or anything until stuff is cleaned and put away... Today, i am supposed to focus on the bedroom and so far, i have done nothing... Sigh... Better get to it...

Also need to continue to serve Daddy by getting stuff ready at bedtime. i really want to make Him proud of me, so i think i will be dressed sexily for when He gets home...

Step 3: to be continued...

i can be me, because He loves me

Starting to deal with pretty severe anxiety/panic attacks when I wake up in the morning and realize again that my son is really gone... This realization seems to be crippling me emotionally and stopping me from progressing forward in my life. I am trying to become better.

I want to get back to being me... Maybe the me I was at the very beginning of this year... Around February... Happy, hippie foxy that typed I in lower case to show her place at her master's feet and capitalized the m in master just to show how much it meant to her to take the time to fix the auto correct that happens on the phone, lol...

The foxy that just listened happily to her Daddy's directions and completed task lists every day and cooked enough food for a whole week in advance so her family would stay healthy...

The foxy that loves everyone and isn't afraid of getting her heart broken... Cuz her heart is already locked in a beautiful golden cage within her Daddy's mind... After all, i am a fox in His cage... i have been for so very long and it is a place where i am happy and secure and loved and strong and fierce and everything i want to be and more... Because He loves me...

He truly loves me... The real me that most others find overwhelming or strange... The me that has difficulty asking for things... The me that befriends everyone and fills up my day with things to stay productive... The me that cries and the me that storms around like a tornado... Not the me that yells, lol, i mean He loves that me, but He does not like that me at all and will not tolerate that kind of bullshit, lol...

i am trying to get myself together... i really am... To make that happen, i will need to rebuild myself again and redefine myself again... And the foundation of this rebuild is His love for me and my love for Him... After all, that is what i started with when we made this life together... i can be me, the real me... Because that is the me that He, the most important person in my life, loves. The me that is... Just foxy.

Little subbie

Last night, Daddy played with me with my favorite toys... Ropes and knives. First, Daddy bound one wrist, then wrapped my tummy a couple times and bound the other wrist on the other side. If I moved my arms too much, the rope tightened around my tummy... It was very interesting and made me very horny...

Then Daddy tucked my arms in with a blanket and took out a big knife that he pushed into me.

"Who is my little subbie", he asked...

I could feel the lick of the blade, but no blood was spilled.

"I am", I responded...

He placed it in different positions and moved it different ways until I was gone to space... I don't remember much after that... Except that I love him... :)

Sub space found again!

Well... I am still crying a lot by myself... That is when the sadness creeps in... When I am alone and there is no one to text but Papa Bear, who is driving to work as I type this, so not a great time for texting/talking. When I am with people, it is easy to focus on creating a happy experience for them (my real kink, lol) instead of the missing little boy I want to hold in my arms... This was my first holiday without him and it hurt so badly...

If you were following this to learn anything about being a slave, now is the time to stop reading and move on to another blog, lol... At least for now, we have dissolved our M/s relationship. I am still submissive to my Papa Bear and will still listen to him most of the time since I enjoy being his babygirl.

So it has looked a little different the past couple of days. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone and asking for things... This may seem small, but we were having pizza yesterday and there were 2 slices of the Works and then a bunch of pepperoni... Now, Papa Bear prefers the Works and is not actually a fan of pepperoni, so normally I would give him both slices of the Works and I would take pepperoni as I like pepperoni... But instead, I asked if I could have one because I like the Works more than pepperoni... Heart racing... And he said yes, lol... And then told me I was a good girl just for asking... It was a big moment for me... You know, I couldn't even ask to give a blow job before without him telling me the words to say, let alone request a slice of his favorite pizza, lol...

It was also amazing to release the need for perfection that I was holding onto. As a slave, I want to be perfect for my Master... I want to anticipate his needs and keep life happy for him. I have been struggling with anticipating my own needs lately and have been full of sorrow... Once I let that need for perfection go, I was finally able to find sub space in a play session we had the other night... It was the most intense anal session I had in a while, but it took me over the edge and I slipped away.

He has become so primal with his craving for me that it is intense. He has become so passionate and I am back to beating him off of me with a stick, lol, which he will then take away and spank me with. We are getting back to our playful relationship that we had before... Finding each other in the aftermath of losing our son has been hard, but we were both made to overcome difficult situations... That's why we belong in each other's arms... At the end of the day, we were made for each other and can overcome anything. Love you, Papa Bear!