Starting to deal with pretty severe anxiety/panic attacks when I wake up in the morning and realize again that my son is really gone... This realization seems to be crippling me emotionally and stopping me from progressing forward in my life. I am trying to become better.
I want to get back to being me... Maybe the me I was at the very beginning of this year... Around February... Happy, hippie foxy that typed I in lower case to show her place at her master's feet and capitalized the m in master just to show how much it meant to her to take the time to fix the auto correct that happens on the phone, lol...
The foxy that just listened happily to her Daddy's directions and completed task lists every day and cooked enough food for a whole week in advance so her family would stay healthy...
The foxy that loves everyone and isn't afraid of getting her heart broken... Cuz her heart is already locked in a beautiful golden cage within her Daddy's mind... After all, i am a fox in His cage... i have been for so very long and it is a place where i am happy and secure and loved and strong and fierce and everything i want to be and more... Because He loves me...
He truly loves me... The real me that most others find overwhelming or strange... The me that has difficulty asking for things... The me that befriends everyone and fills up my day with things to stay productive... The me that cries and the me that storms around like a tornado... Not the me that yells, lol, i mean He loves that me, but He does not like that me at all and will not tolerate that kind of bullshit, lol...
i am trying to get myself together... i really am... To make that happen, i will need to rebuild myself again and redefine myself again... And the foundation of this rebuild is His love for me and my love for Him... After all, that is what i started with when we made this life together... i can be me, the real me... Because that is the me that He, the most important person in my life, loves. The me that is... Just foxy.
Anxiety and panic attacks are very normal when grieving. I was having them EVERY single night. Heart-pounding frightening moments of just terror and panic. Sir would wake up and hold me and pet me until I could calm down. I haven't had one in over a month now, so I hope they will fade for you as well.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, me too! They are still going pretty strong at the moment, but I have had issues with severe anxiety in the past, so it is not that surprising to me.
DeleteI've also had anxiety. I wasn't surprised, but its still awful. I hope it gets better for you!
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