Home with Daddy

Sire brought me home in time to get ready for work on Tuesday, 1/19. When i got home, i found out that Daddy was sexually frustrated from His date the night before. One of the reasons that our solo date worked and i didn't have to worry about Daddy is because He was at the house with Sweetheart and i knew that He would be taken care of.

i needed to shower, so Sweetheart gave Daddy a fluffer blow job while i showered, and then i hopped on as soon as i was out. Then, i got ready for work. After i finished, i just felt like i wanted to stay home and take care of Daddy. He had given me an amazing experience the night before, so i wanted to show Him my appreciation. He allowed me to stay home!

We played and we fucked and He used me like the little toy slave that i am for Him. i couldn't write about how amazing it was because i just don't have the words when it comes to describing how Daddy fucks and uses me. All i know is that He fucks me into my toy subspace and can do anything He wants after that because i am fully submitting to Him.

We also developed a new way to help me get back to my favorite version of me, the full slave. Sticker chart!! This is totally appealing to the babygirl side of me and helping me get back on track with life chores. There are rules and chores and prizes and it is fucking awesome!!

 Best day off ever!!

Now this is a solo date!

Dammit, need to catch up on writing again. Lol...

So last Monday, 1/18, Sire and i had our actual solo date. My favorite thing about the night was the freedom that i felt. The freedom to be a me that has no responsibilities or deadlines. The freedom to play and do anything we wanted with minimal control as well. Daddy lifted the 30 minute fucking restriction He had placed before.

As a mom, when Daddy and i play at home, there is still a portion of my brain that focuses on my kids. When we play outside of the home together, my brain is always fixed on making Daddy happy and a part of me looks at Him and sees the son we lost. It is hard, but the good and fun always outweighs the worry and despair. i remembered what it felt like to escape everything when i went on my final date with my Sir and i was hoping this experience would be more freeing, and it was.

For this night, i truly was slave foxy receiving a reward for being a good girl with strict instruction from Daddy to have the best time i could, follow my contract rules, and to take care of Sire the best i could which would make Daddy proud. i felt like i met his expectations.

i slipped into the box i have with Sire. In that box, i am Sire's Cara Mia, or heart song. We are passionate and romantic and silly and playful. In that box, where i love him madly and desperately, i get to be this spontaneously sexual princess who has doors opened and is not allowed to release herself from a vehicle without express permission. She is horny and amazing at sexual innuendo. She is well-written, educated, and appreciated for those gifts. She can have a couple drinks or a little marijuana and feel right as rain. She is easy and carefree without a worry in the world because she just is who she is and Sire loves her for that. She is intensely focused on connecting with Sire.

She is one of the many personalities i play around with. She is beyond free within the cage that Sire is providing. i happen to love cages. They are amazingly fun for lots of reasons. My favorite is that all of the walls and corners are clearly defined. You know what will happen if you touch the wall of an electrocuted cage... Rules and relationship dynamics work the same way. When building that cage, you review the way you want it to look, the room you want to give, and the way in and out of it.

i feel like this solo date helped me understand a little about what the first large edges of the cage will look like. The good news is that there is a lot of room in the cage right now. Only rule so far is that i am not allowed to open a car door for myself as Sire decides when i should enter or exit a vehicle. i thoroughly enjoy this rule as i am usually the one that opens the door and puts Daddy in the car... But Cara Mia, the princess, doesn't do that. It is different and interesting.

The walls of my cage are decorated with nakedness and sex. His bed is so soft and squishy that i like to get naked immediately and jump on it, but first we had to take a shower. i had already washed and curled my hair and did my makeup, so i literally just stood in the shower as Sire washed and helped here and there. Then, after we were all the way clean, we hopped on the bed and had quite a bit of sex. Then i was hungry, so we went out to eat.

The walls of my cage are decorated with Italian food, which i love, and writings upon writings. To be able to discuss personal development books and Sire's book (which i am reading), was fun. We also discussed a little about my prior relationship with Sir and My Queen, as that relationship more closely mirrors what i am doing now. Learning some close history can help us understand the things we like and don't like, to see if compatability exists. He definitely understands the importance of my contract and the rules, which puts my mind at ease.

The walls of my cage are decorated with rope! Glorious rope and its movement and texture and gauge... Sire tied my hand in a hang ten with this very thinly gauged rope. It was tight and funny. i love how quickly rope relaxes me.

Lastly, the walls of my cage are decorated with paddles?! Lol... i have been thinking a lot about paddles and spankings and whips and all the BDSM toys that Sire has. He spoke to me about rhythm and motion and alternating placement, but by the end, i just liked the way it felt and the space it put me into. It helped me fall right to sleep as i spent the night as well.

It makes me feel like my Daddy spoils me with these experiences because a good slave deserves a treat at times. My Daddy gives me treats of freedom for my good behavior, not just trinkets and socks, but full experiences in different shoes. He loves me so much and knows that my chameleon-type nature enjoys feeling the shift.

Thank You both so much for the amazing night!!

Pie making... Or how my dad found out about poly...

Holy shit...

So, i learned how to make a delicious banana cream pie with a Nilla wafer crust and it was to die for... i am already in plans with myself to make it again... Lol...

Started out with us girls catching up and my dad and our husbands mostly watching the football game. The cardinals won and we were drinking while pie making, so i wanted to stay all night and hang with my girls... But i also wanted to see Sire and the girls... So we chatted and they decided to come over!!

Then the fun got interesting as i listened to kitty ask questions about Sire's dynamic with his girls, heard friends talk about blow jobs and who gives the better head... And my two best friends make out with each other... Hot as fuck! But a little sad because neither wanted to make out with me... Lol... Not because of some shortfall within me, but because they both love me too much to do anything that could jeopardize our friendship and i love these girls so much... You are my sisters if you are reading this... (Which you probably aren't, lol -cuz of the sister thing)...

Then kitty gives puppy spankings with The Judge and my youngest son (4) walks in and asks what is going on... Puppy thinks quickly and says, I have been a very bad girl... And my son says, okay, and walks away... (Just thought to mention that everyone kept their clothes on due to kids being around and nothing sexual happened anywhere the kids had access to - that would be inappropriate)...

i locked my keys in my house when i went to get the hand mixer, so we had to catch a ride home... Embarrassing...

The next morning, talking to my dad, i find out that he texted his girl to tell her about the blow job conversation and she said, I bet none of those girls give head as good as me... Lol... Everyone is so perverted and i love it!!

This, of course, sparks the conversation between my dad and i on the poly relationship dynamic we are in. My dad says that Sire seems cool and he felt that between himself, Sire, and Daddy, i am very well protected... My dad hasn't really said something like that before... Except the one time he threatened a man i was dating...

It was interesting to talk to Him about our relationships and our eventual want to add another woman to our household to have children with since my genetics have a disorder hidden within them... i refuse to put myself, my family, or another child through that torture...

It was good to be myself in front of my dad... Family is so hard to come out to...

A girl with a pole

Rope Night is so fucking awesome!! Favorite event ever! Every time i go has been amazing for me and has provided me with the experiences i want to have. 

Sire picked me up and i happily gave Him head all down the 60... We had to stop about the time we got onto the 10 because we needed to make sure He didn't cum in my mouth, lol. Then, we got to rope and the girls were already there. Sweetheart and Twinsie had grabbed a great mat in a great location. Big hugs and big kisses all around... But especially focused on Twinsie because of the emotions that had come up the night before. 

Then Sire tied Twinsie as Daddy pulled in to the parking lot. i went outside to meet Him and He had a smoke as i clung to Him, also trying to battle and push away the fear of loss... Then, we went back in and it was my turn to get tied up... 

As Sire tied me, i slipped into Rope Bunny zone... Feeling His rope on my skin... Feeling the loving energy it is filled with... Chest and hip harness secured before tying me to the bamboo pole. Then, Daddy and Sire picked me up off the ground and started swinging me back and forth and i was flying... i was safe and free from everything and just flying through the air. Everything fell away...

Then, i was brought back to reality as Sweetheart nibbled my ribs and Sire and her sang a little of the Chili's theme song for baby back ribs to acquiesce to a request that my Fluffy made the day before. (Fluffy is a friend from work who calls herself vibrantly vanilla)... Then, i was set down only for my Daddy to come pick me up on His own... Talk about making a girl feel small... i was so impressed and happy when He grabbed the pole with both hands and lifted me up...

Then, we took the pole off and i was able to cuddle a little with Sire. Then we removed the rest of the ties and cuddled with the rest of the family as Daddy took the pics. Twinsie had to go due to other obligations and a need for a good night sleep. We all walked her out to the car and said goodbye.

Sometime, while this was all happening, lil fox came by... It had been a while... We had decided being friends was better after she cancelled a weekend and didn't follow my instructions on what to do about missing the scavenger hunt. i was so glad to see her, but similarly worried as she brought a man with her that didn't deserve to be in her life due to his abuse... We chatted for a bit and it was fun. She decided to leave at the same time that Twinsie was leaving. 

As she appeared for a hug goodbye, she told me that she loves me... This is different for her as she doesn't say those words easily... My heart became very torn and i wanted to say, then fuck this guy and come back inside with me... Be with me... Stay with me... Come to me, pretty girl... But instead, i shut down the siren in my brain and did not start my seductive song... Instead, i told her that when she is ready for me, i am waiting... Once she gets her shit together and figured out... i am here... i was disappointed by the path she had chosen... Not just because it took her away from me and hurt my Daddy's feelings... But also because the Daddies that she had told me about weren't even making sure that she was eating... Sigh... But she is a grown woman and can make this decisions for herself... Even if i feel she is too little to do it right, lol...

So, after they left, we did some more rope and watched a performance. During the performance, Sire fell asleep on my lap and i was able to enjoy snuggling with Sweetheart. After the performance, we decided to wrap it up and we went out to I hop for dinner. i learned how Sire takes His coffee and started making it for Him after the first cup. We had fun visiting with Frisky's group as well... Just an overall awesome night!!

Sexting with Sire

Sire: you are sitting naked on the long bench on my eating table, you are quietly staring at the coffee sack on the wall.

me: Mmm, the bench is so cold on my naked skin...

Sire: music is playing softly in the background...Chello music...

me: Mmmm, sweet sounding cello...

Sire: I am playing a soft 3 note song

me: Goodness, i would love to hear You play...My eyes closed. Leaning into the music.

Sire: I lay down the Chello on the couch where I was seated...staring at your back side and ass

me: My eyes immediately open as if i am waking and turn toward You. A small smile on my face.

Sire: I walk over to you and firmly grab your pony tail with one hand and then reach around and grab a breast with the other. A sweet smile on your face.

me: Yes, a sweet smile, Sire. i arch into you and push my ass back on the bench...

Sire: I push you back down onto the bench in draw your face to my lips kiss you deeply.

me: i drink You in

Sire: I want to smell your wetness on my fingers. So I gently but firmly probe your pussy with two fingers.

me: Mmmm, i arch my back again and press my breast into your hand, kissing You deeply.

Sire: While still holding your ponytail tightly in my hand, I pull you up to your feet to lead you into the bedroom. I'm behind you now pushing your head forward as you stumble ahead of me knowing that I'm going to put you in the bed. Yes kissing me very. I already have ties on each bedpost I'm ready to tie your hands and your feet to my bed.

me: Mmmm, i get excited about the bed and start wiggling my ass. Oh yay!!! Rope!! *claps hand*

Sire: I shove you onto the bed and tell you to lay spread eagle so that I can see your open pussy and see your beautiful breasts in your face as I began to tie your hands to the posts.

me: i oblige immediately and move into the requested position quickly. Arching my hopes to give a better view of my shaved dripping wet pussy.

Sire: But you're in for a little surprise now that I have you tied up.

me: Mmmmm, yes Sire! A surprise!! Yay!

Sire: I walk into the kitchen and you hear a little rustling around and I come back with exactly 3 of the yellow roses that were in the vase.

me: *blushing* the roses! They smelled so pretty.

Sire: I waive the roses gently under your nose so you can smell their sweet fragrance, but then I show you the sharp thorns on each of the stems as your eyes widen.

me: i love them. Oh shit! i bite my lip. Look at You pleadingly.

Sire: I gently drag the roses across your breasts so that you can feel the sharp little thorns just touching ever so slightly on your tender skin, I pull the roses all the way down your stomach and let the pile of 3 rest just the top of your pussy.

me: The tickle arches my back and raises my hips.

Sire: I'm sure that your pussy smells better than the roses so I lean down take a smell of each.

me: *blushing* i look to the right

Sire: I slid my hand under your back in lifted high to cause your body to arch i just want to see you move in shiver on my hand

me: Try to hide in my shoulder

Sire: But you can't hide from me as I grab your pony tail again and move your head so that it faces my mouth I want another kiss and I want it now.

me: Mmmmm, shivering nicely, muscles tight. Yes Sire! Licks Your lips.

Sire: I purposely take my time removing my boots my socks in my pants just to tantalize you

me: Sire... Come over to the bed Lover. Look, my pussy wants You to eat it...

Sire: I pull my t-shirt up off over my head and you can see my erection sticking straight out I want to impale you with it I want to fuck you hard

me: i raise my hips and wiggle... Taunting You.

Sire: I pulled the roses away and took them to the floor and ask you are you ready to be fucked hard my sweet love?

me: Come on Sire, come fuck me. Fuck me hard. Take me. Use me.

Sire: Aren't I just one of your legs so I can pull your knee up high when I begin to lick your pussy

me: Mmmmmmm

Sire: I want my mouth all over your wet pussy I want to put my fingers inside of you and plunge them in and out as I suck on your clitoris and you come on my face again and again.

me: Goodness, yes. Thank You Sire.

Sire: Now I'm ready to fuck you are ready to feel my cock in you.

me: Please fuck me... i want Your cock in my wet pussy...Are you ready to feel my pussy Sire?...
... It's so wet... Please...
... Feel it...
... Fill it... Mmmm... Teehee...

Sire: I kneel between your open legs and begin thrusting hard cock deep inside your pussy.

me: Yes! i raise my hips to meet yours and stare into Your eyes

Sire: I want to change the position of your feet I want to tie the rope around your knees and pull your knees up tight almost to your head...

me: Stare into Your heart... Yes Sire...

Sire: Yes that is good my love stare into my eyes and stare into my heart

me: i wait happily and patiently as You retie

Sire:  now I have you tied so that your hands are still above your head and your feet and knees are pulled up high to expose your beautiful ass to me

me: i wiggle my little ass... Are You going to fuck my ass, Sire...Oh please, fuck my ass... Mmmm...
*wiggle* Staring into Your face and Your smile

Sire: I'm going to do what I've been waiting to do my love I'm going to have missionary anal sex with you I'm going to put my cock so deep into your ass but I'm going to look you in the face every second that I do it. I want to see your face in your eyes as I ass fuck you deeply my love...

me: Mmmhmm... Yes Sire... *eyes locked with Yours* Deep breath

Sire: And in this moment as our souls begin to soar again, I tell you that I am madly and deeply in love with you...

me: Madly and desperately, i exhale... Deep breath

Sire: are you ready to cum for me lover, because I'm about to unload deeply into your tender ass. deep breath...

me: Yes, Lover....

Sire: let's cum together my love

me: Please oh please can i cum... Please...

Sire: On 1...
...2...
...3...  cum for me

me: mmmmm

Sire: Now...Oh my sweet love.

me: Thank You Sire...Thank You! That was so much fun!!!!

Sire: thank YOU my love... any time my love...

me: Makes me so happy to sext with You, lol...

i also sent Sire a pic of my pussy, along with the 2 pics i normally send Daddy every time i send a pic to a love... So happy that Daddy allows me to play with my friends!!!

WTF happened today?!

i started to finally feel like myself... i sat down and caught up on some blog postings... Trying to get all my kinky shit down before making new memories... i got some chores done... i was feeling pretty proud of myself...

Then i asked Daddy to go on a date with Sire upon his request and He became really clingy and upset and accusatory... It tore me apart as i felt like i was doing something wrong or being inappropriate... i don't do poly because i am looking to fill cracks in my relationship. i do poly because my relationship is so sound that i am able to look at adding in more fun and a little variety. i do poly because i have one of the biggest hearts any will ever see and my love should be shared...

So we talked... Poly is more about talking and helping each other understand and accept the feelings that we have, or so i have noticed... i was always the clingy one before, but He proved to me that i don't need to cling... He isn't leaving... i guess it is my turn to prove it to Him. i am not going anywhere because He fulfills me. He is amazing and finds others to give me experiences that He doesn't enjoy as much...

Love You Daddy!!

After finally figuring out that the loss of our son was triggering a fear of losing me, we were able to hug it out. Then, right as i slid Daddy's cock into my pussy, the phone rings... And it is Sire, so Daddy answers it and i climb off. One of my last writings upset my Twinsie because it felt like i was saying that things would be easier without her there...

Suddenly, i was sad and angry at the same time. i was sad because i never want to make anyone feel unimportant to me or left out... i was angry because the writing should not have been a surprise and it made me feel like i stepped on some unforeseen land mine. You see, we had talked about the energy being off that night and had discussed the events and feelings that was making that occur while it was happening.

We talked for a while, but it didn't seem to help as she recused herself from the little family we are trying to build. It hurt so bad to hear that she was pulling away, but at the same time, everyone has the right to their feelings and i support everyone i love... Even if it means that i get hurt in the process...

i woke up in the middle of the night to use the potty and was able to read a beautiful message she sent to us that set the world right again as she decided to not take herself away from us...

Love You Twinsie!!

Goodness, it must have been a full moon kind of night... Sigh...

Snapping

i fell apart... My mind snapped and life felt unreal and crazy and impossible... It stopped feeling real... Everything... And i felt lost... So i reached out... Cuz that is what i do...

Daddy reached back and told me to come straight home after work (trying to work when nothing feels right is very difficult), smoke a bowl, have a drink, and enjoy the surprise visit that He lined up with Sire and Twinsie on their way to the GAP coffee.

When i got home, my mind was still broken. i cuddled into Daddy's lap and cried... He held me and tried to cheer me up with happy things, but that wasn't happening... i wasn't ready... He made silly jokes... He called me all the things that usually make me smile... And all i did was cry... Nothing He said was making sense... My mind was broken...

When Sire and Twinsie arrived, i tried to interact and honestly don't know how i did... We all got cozy on the couch with Twinsie in Daddy's lap and me sitting next to Sire. They were playful and kissing each other and Daddy was happy...

His waves of happiness touched me... Their waves of happiness were adorable and sweet and playful. They decided to take it to the next level and went into the room while Sire and i watched a movie with the kids.

It was nice to cuddle up in Sire's arms, knowing that Daddy was well taken care of by Twinsie. She brings a lightness into His step and into His countenance and seeing that light in His face makes me so happy. On that day, i needed to see happy and the two of them being together and enjoying each other helped me see it. Sire and Twinsie had to leave to get to coffee... But i wish they could've stayed longer... Playing seems to be the only thing that distracts me from my torture...

Wasn't this a solo date?

Saturday night was date night, so my dad watched the kids. He gets time with the grandkids and we get to go out and stay as late as we want, so that is a win win.

Daddy took me to Twinsie's and i went with Sire as the girls left with Daddy. i was so nervous... i wanted it to be perfect. i wore the dress Sire requested and we went to a lovely Italian restaurant. We ate and we talked and our hearts were free in that moment. Usually, i keep my love for Sire in a box in a room in my heart. 

At least, that is how i think about it. When i blindly allowed myself to love others, they let me down, so i have to protect myself now. So i keep my mad and desperate version of love in a box so i can release it if i need to. That box can only be opened when i don't have to focus on Daddy. Otherwise, it is closed tight so i don't get too hurt if they walk away.

We shared tender moments over delicious food and discussed several topics... i specifically discussed my hard limit, lying, and it went well. We got some chocolate tiramasu to eat or feed each other or maybe eat off each other, and headed to Sire's place. He went to the bathroom and i quickly undressed and then hopped on Sire's bed.

i laid down 5 different ways before i settled on what i thought was the sexiest pose. He came out surprised and we started making out and talking. Then we started fingering and sucking and fucking and we used up 10 of our 30 minutes of fuckery. 

Sire offered a bath or rope next, but i couldn't decide, so Sire chose rope and then bath... We checked phones before moving to rope and got a message that the others were on their way over. They had decided against their movie after dinner and came over instead. We ran to the room to get more solo fucking time in to keep the night mostly play with all of us together to see if the energy would stay positive.

As we approached minute 25, they came in and the night moved to rope and electric and group play... 

i enjoyed the time together, but i was really looking forward to the rope on the bed and the bath... Another time...

Poly weekend 1/9

Waking up next to a beautiful woman and a handsome man at the same time, naturally with the day, is now a favorite... We got up to get ready and i suddenly remembered the rule that Sweetheart is no longer allowed to shower alone at my house. My bathtub is stupid and she sprained her ankle, hence, the rule. Hooray for the amazing rule as i was able to enjoy showering with her!

i made waffles and eggs and hash browns for breakfast. We got the kids ready for the zoo and off we went. We saw some amazing animals and i remembered how much i love the zoo. We got amazing pics of us five. We chatted about creating a tolerance utopia where the ideals behind "my kink may not be your kink" reigned supreme.

It was a pleasant afternoon and as i sat by the exit and cried, missing my son as Daddy and Sweetheart took the boys through the gift shop, i reached out to Sire and was comforted. Then, Daddy was at my side and we walked back to the car. Great day!

Poly family date night 1/8

All 3 of our metamours came over for dinner. Before dinner, Sweetheart came over and helped me clean... This was probably the hardest thing ever because i was tasked with cleaning the bedroom, in case the party moved that direction, as it usually does...

The shelf on my side of the bed was stacked full of my son's things. These are wonderful trinkets and tokens of his life with us. Some of his toys, his favorite jacket, his normal hospital diaper bag, his ashes, and all of the cards and guest book stuff from his memorial service shoved into that untidy little corner. If i cleaned the room, then i would earn my rainbow socks. Daddy has not really been able to handle looking at his things and i don't blame Him... i was dreading it all week and finally got it done at the last minute. Puppy and Dragon gave me a box to store his items in... It was the perfect size...

As i picked up each piece, my heart clung to memories of him and my eyes poured tears. It was really fucking hard... i mostly got it done before Sweetheart got there, just closing the box as she came in. She looked at me holding the box and i hoped she didn't see or mind the sadness... Instead, she asked if we should label it. i told her not to worry as i knew what was in that box. Then i had her make the bed as i went to put it away. i came back in to help and saw that i had missed 2 teething rings that somehow snuck halfway under the bed. i quickly grabbed them and rushed to the box to put them away, choking back more tears.

Then, i cooked as she vacuumed and it was suddenly wonderful to have another person in the house doing chores with me. i am so used to doing them on my own... Daddy will help out, from time to time, but having another non-dominant helping is just different... i wasn't really focused on making sure she was okay, because she is used to doing tasks and taking care of others as well and she offered, lol.

Then, Sire and Twinsie arrived, looking absolutely adorable. We chatted as i finished cooking. Daddy messaged in that He was on His way home and was driving next to a cop. The cop ended up pulling Him over for texting and thankfully, we had been using a walkie-talkie app, so He didn't get a ticket! Daddy said to eat without Him, so we did and everyone loved it.

Then Daddy got there and everyone got cozy on the couch. It was really eye opening to see our kids interacting with our other partners. They accepted and loved everyone right away and didn't seem to mind if we were holding hands or kissing each other lightly. We all just interacted naturally and non sexually and everything was amazing, just like Daddy and i around the kids... Not vanilla... Just us...

After the boys went to bed, it moved quickly into the bedroom. My clothes removed themselves from my body, lol... And then blow jobs and passionate kisses all around.  As we started to play, the energy felt off and we looked to Twinsie as she started to leave the room. As a poly unit, it is very important to me that we all love and protect each other and that our communication is open, supportive, and absolutely non-judgmental. So we got dressed and i headed out to see her.

We hugged for a really long time... And i needed that after the chores i had today and i think she needed it too. We talked and then Sweetheart came out and joined in. We had a girls talk about protecting each other and i learned a little about hierarchies and levels of power within a bigger dynamic. Sire and Daddy popped out to check on us and then went back in to chat. We had this wonderful idea about spinning and spankings...

Then we went back in and got cozy on the couch again. Sire brought His A-game and i felt like a multi-tasking princess. Hearing lovely words with a part of my mind, listening for kids getting up for potty breaks, and ensuring that my Daddy wanted for nothing. Daddy couldn't remember something in the story He was telling, so i helped... Then Sire needed me to take care of him, so i asked and Daddy had me take care of His guest.

At this time, we moved to the room and shut the door and then it was just us. My Daddy was in the hands of two very lovely and capable women and He trusted Sire enough to give us permission to fuck and the kids would not be able to interrupt... So i let it all drop and enjoyed the gift of freedom my Daddy had given me... A reward to go with the rainbow socks i earned when i cleaned the room and suffered through heartache...

And it was a great reward. We had fun and we chatted and we fucked. He helped me overcome my disdain and disgust for oral as i came with his permission, hearing my Daddy echoed in his voice because this was Daddy's gift time to me. And then Twinsie came in and i celebrated the accomplishment with her! She said she could hardly wait until she ate me again, and i suddenly felt the need to eat her pussy, so i offered. She declined as she wanted to give us our time. Suddenly, the other two came in and the energy felt off again. This time, Daddy quickly followed Twinsie out for a smoke. We got dressed and headed outside.

As we chatted outside, it got later and darker and it was time for them to head home. Figuring out the flow in a poly family is hard, but i feel like it is worth it. Sweetheart stayed the night and i enjoyed having her eat my pussy as Daddy fucked her. She had requested this previously and we obliged. It was so fun!

Omg, it has been 9 days

This last week, i experienced so many things... It is going to take a bit to write out everything, but i want to get it down because there is a time in my life where i didn't come in here and write and it did more harm than good, now that i look back at it... Hindsight is 20/20...

My Depression...

Sometimes, i sit and just cry...
Sometimes i cry on the outside...
Sometimes i cry on the inside...
But mostly, i just cry...

My heart is so saddened by the loss of my son. i keep getting worse everyday... i can keep my shit straight, but my house is still a disaster, my diet is still shitty, i am still missing workdays, and i am constantly distracting myself from doing the things i need to get done... Sigh...

i need to refocus on myself and my happiness again. i need to clean my home. i need to eat right and exercise. i need to go to work, rain or shine, sick or in health. i need to put my fucking phone down and actually get stuff done... Sigh... Now if i could stop being sick...

Masturbation fantasy...

Sick at home today... Just dropped my youngest off at day care and my oldest went to school. Normally, my middle son would be home today and so would Daddy, but not anymore. So i am alone and horny as all get out... Being sick doesn't stop my nymphomania, lol...

So what do i do?

i used to imagine fantasies of being dominated and of other men and of other women... Now, i read through my own fucking blog! i let my own words remind me of the amazing times i have had and it becomes real for me again. As i read those words, i allow myself to be transported to the nowness within them... And i feel and remember it as if it were happening then...

i am now my own masturbation fantasy... My real life... How fucking awesome is that?! i love my blog!! i am free!!

Poem #5 from Sire

The un-poem---

Knowing you are loved is amazing...

But.... hearing those three precious words for the first time....

...can be no less impacting than a volcanic eruption....

On a cool desert night, with our primaries close by....

we see them kissing hungrily, hear them laughing hardily...

their energy, tangible...

our embrace, more tender...sweet whispers are our language...

Then under the stars of this magical night, she whispers not three, but six powerful words...

"I madly and desperately love you."

And for that moment, I am undone...my countenance goes slack in her arms...and all I can manage to utter in return is...."perfect....perfect."

Though she may say it ten thousand more times, I will always hear it through the filter of this first time.

I love you too my sweet...madly and desperately....

love Sire.

His loss, our benefit

When plans fell through for Sire and Twinsie yesterday, we decided to invite them over to hang out. We had Adele 25 recorded and knew that Sire would enjoy that and figured we could all have dinner together and get to know each other more. We have been playing pretty consistently with each other, so it is time to let everything happen organically.

We decided on Chinese food and Sire got so excited when we started the Adele 25 recording. Our boys were running around and interacting with us and playing. My youngest is a hugger and hugged them a bunch of times. After the concert, which was amazing to watch, with the 4 of us kind of laying all over each other on the couch, just relaxed, we watched another show. We talked, we stared, we shared quick brief kisses when the kids weren't around.

Then it was 8:00 and the boys went to bed. After they went to bed, we showed Sire and Twinsie our room. Daddy got out His new electric toy and started playing with Twinsie. She shocked me a couple of times due to contact, lol...

Sire and i cuddled and talked. i gave him a few blow jobs. We were watching our loves have fun playing with each other. Listening to their laughter was like hearing happiness... My heart suddenly felt so light... It has been so heavy since i lost my son. It has been so hard to open back up. Daddy and Twinsie started to have sex with a condom on and the condom was just too desensitizing. After 3 attempts, the condoms just weren't working.

So we all had a discussion. We had all just been tested and cleared. We have all been very safe with any play and haven't actually been playing sexually with others. So we decided to become fluid bonded to each other. Twinsie and i gave Daddy a double blow job as Sire fingered my ass. Then, Twinsie climbed on top of Daddy and rode Him. He smiled so big and started man-handling her and she looked so happy.

Sire and i watched them as i gave him a blow job. Then when Daddy picked her up and put her on her back and climbed on top to pound her, i couldn't take it anymore. i had requested no sex because i was on my period and i personally think it is gross... But Sire had said that he didn't mind as long as we had a towel and stuff to clean up with.

After watching Daddy pick her up and lay her down, i was too fucking horny and i asked Daddy if i could fuck Sire. He said yes and soon, Sire was on top of me, fucking me without a condom. My first fluid-bonded partner since my husband. Originally, i have always used condoms with other partners.

We went out for a smoke and then came back in and cuddled our good-byes on the couch. Twinsie and Daddy were all about it. Sire and i cuddled and talked and watched them and kissed. We walked them out to their truck and as Daddy walked to put Twinsie in her seat, Sire and i talked.

Sire and i spoke of Daddy's happiness and Twinsie's happiness. We spoke of the energy between us and the connection that is growing rapidly. He said he loved me... And i whispered back that madly and desperately, i love him too... He whispered the word perfect to me several times before i buckled him in... And then they drove away as Daddy swept me up into His arms and carried me back to the door. In the house, i looked at Daddy's smile and just started spinning on my heels in the kitchen.

i deserve to love and to be loved and i have finally found another person that understands me and wants to get to know me for me. They came over expecting a Vanilla hang out night with the kiddos and then to head home. They came over with love in their hearts... Not sex or play... i deserve to have those types of people in my life... The ones who love me without expectation... Yah, i like to play and i like to have sex, but there is much more to me than that.

i love my Daddy.
i love my Sire.
i love my Twinsie.
i love my Sweetheart.
i love my lil fox.

i am so happy that i am no longer denying myself love... i am not sure why i thought that denying a piece of myself would help me... i might just be crazy... But at least i am now a happy crazy... Lol...

New Year's Eve

After working all day, i looked forward to unwinding at puppy's party. We would be hanging out with friends, which always puts us at ease... Love my family, but living in vanilla land gets pretty annoying sometimes and for the most part, my friends are kinky and/or they know who i am...

At puppy's, the spread was amazing and the party was perfect. Our kids were there and my friends, all these kinky people, were enjoying themselves as well. None of the kiddos there blinked an eye when puppy got down on her knees to clean up a mess, because that is what they are used to seeing too... They never even glanced over.

i danced through the house, twirling and grinding to the music... i would have felt weird doing it at my in-laws, with family that sometimes has judgey eyes, but i felt like myself there. i got to drink and smoke out and talk about real life with amazing people who listened and shared pieces of themselves with me. These are the moments where long lasting and life long friendships develop and it was amazing.

Before midnight, we ran into puppy's room and locked the door and Frisky (new friend) got spanked by her Daddy with puppy's ginormous paddle, called The Judge. She liked it... i hate that thing so bad.

Then we came out and partied some more, which is when Sire and Twinsie and her friend showed up. We were able to see the beautiful aftermath of their scene at APEX. Her ass is amazing and sure can take some fun. i wish my skin was tougher and could take more. i want so badly to be able to enjoy and experience that side too, but it scares me a little cuz it fucking hurts, lol...

My Daddy set off the fireworks and we were able to give each other our midnight New Year's kiss, which was amazing and passionate and full of need and love and understanding and hope... Then i was able to give Sire a deep kiss for the New Year as Daddy and Twinsie shared their own. i could feel the hope for a bright future in that kiss as well. Twinsie and i shared a few wonderful kisses through the night as well.

Then, all the adults went into the bedroom again as the little kids watched a movie (mostly asleep) in the living room and the older kids were playing video games (my oldest was grounded until 2016) in puppy's son's room. Frisky's Daddy let us all give her a couple spankings with The Judge for the New Year. Then we got to kiss and lick her ass. i scraped my nails all over her amazing back. i thoroughly enjoyed man-handling Frisky and thanked her Daddy for the pleasure.

After she got in trouble for getting naked (oopsie), Daddy had me get naked, which i love. Then, He decided to offer my ass for spankings, which made me upset. You see, He doesn't play with me that way... At this point in my life, we use spankings for punishment only and most of our play is sex/bj/anal oriented unless we get a new toy (and we will try it for a day or 2). He started spanking me a little with The Judge. i hate that toy. Then, He handed it to puppy, who hit so hard... It took everything in my power not to cry. i stepped away from the bed, then back and reset position. Daddy grabbed my hands.

Then Frisky got a turn and the pain i felt exploded exponentially. My Daddy had my arms pinned so i couldn't move away and i ripped my arms out of His hands and shook it off and then reset my position. Daddy tried to grab my hands again, but i pulled them away. i needed to be able to shake it off if someone else was going to hurt me.

Then i heard someone else ask and i hated my Daddy in that moment... To not condition me for this at all and then to set my ass out there for people to whack at me... No positive reinforcement as it was happening. No petting my hair and telling me what a good girl i was for resetting my position... Nothing... Alone on an island of pain when pain isn't my kink, at least not yet... i didn't like it and just writing about it right now sends tears streaming down my face...

He could see my hate when He looked at me and told me to get dressed. He knew in that second that the spontaneous decision He made was the wrong one, but i also hope He knew that i still gained the experience, which means that it wasn't in vain. Gaining the experience is the best part to me... My ass still hurts, but the hate was gone within 30 minutes... i don't hold on to that shit...

i was a little sad when i saw Sire set the paddle down because we have chatted a little about me getting to experience his form of play. When i sat down near him, ass throbbing, he talked with me about ramping up during spanking sessions so it wouldn't be as bad... i was able to enjoy time and light kisses and holding hands. Felt very organic and easy.

We talked about our next date. i hugged and kissed my Daddy to show Him i didn't hate Him. To remind Him that i love Him. We talk about these things in bed before we go to bed so we can review experiences and adjust our play and our methods... The safe space where we talk without fear of punishment or fear of hurting the others feelings. All together, a wonderful way to start 2016!!