New Year's Eve - Kinky resolutions

Time to make my resolutions for the new year!! i usually keep a list of goals that i have for myself year round and update it as i go, but it is a very vanilla list. These are the goals i share with anyone when asked what my resolutions for the new year will be and they all focus on not procrastinating and on being healthier.

My kinky resolutions will be pretty similar:

1. i will follow Master's direction as soon as it is given with a smile on my face.

2. i will attend an official play party somewhere at least once in the year.

3. i will continue to seek out new experiences and new individuals to have experiences with.

That's it... Just 3 this year, but i think they will be very impactful...

What are your kinky resolutions for the new year?

Sexercise

Some days are just good for playing video games. . Yesterday was one of those days.

i am preparing for a new diet plan which has me eating more often throughout the day and also working out a little harder. i was reminded this last week that life is short and living healthy can help with extending the time i am here, barring extenuating circumstances... So, i am going to use all of that pain to improve my health and hopefully the health of the rest of my family.

Master is helping me stay fit with all of the sexercise i have been having... Electro-abs the other day... Nipple bite lunges last night (basically biting my nipple and moving His head into different positions forcing me to lunge or squat to relieve the pain)... What will happen next? Lol...

Master's direction

For a while, i am going to be using Master instead of Papa Bear to help me stay in a better frame of mind... After yesterday's freakout, i feel like i need to implement some things to help with maintaining my sanity, even in this blog. Using M/s verbiage is one thing... i am still debating whether i should take away the i pronoun, but at this point, it will stay unless things push even further...

Master said that i am not allowed to think about taking His favorite toy away from Him (me) as thoughts of suicide ran through my head yesterday... Thankfully, we did not have any deadly pills in the medicine cabinet... Unfortunately, i got to the point where i actually looked... Sometimes the weight of my son's condition just crushes me flat and makes me want to escape it all... Yesterday was one of those days... At least the morning was...

The rest of the day, Master commanded me. He had me make very specific meals for the day, had me do chores around the house, and basically got me out of my head. When i follow His direction, i don't think about anything else but pleasing Him, which helps so much more than i think He knows. He was also more vocal with His requests, which i liked a lot.

After a day of following Master's direction, i asked for play... Specifically, electric play... i don't like it, but Master loves it and He wants me to work on my tolerance... He would prefer that i get excited about electric play, so asking Him for it seemed like a good first step. He had me set up the electric wand and get out a new flogger to play with once we got the kids in bed.

We used 2 different attachments and i think i did really well. He gave me a pretty good ab workout with the needle attachment He has. i also handled the flogger pretty well, until it whipped and smacked me in the pussy!! Ouch!! My Master then screwed my mouth and pussy until we both came together. He made me orgasm while we were going through the most painful parts of the flogging  and electric play to get my mind to believe pain and pleasure go together... Such a caring Master!

Losing my shit..

A dear friend of mine lost her son the other day due to complications with a surgery that he needed to have. This event has me evaluating my life and decisions again. Life is short and it is important to do what we feel is right and what will make us happy.

i know that, for me, i am happy serving my Papa Bear. i love giving Him everything He wants and live for his happiness. i know that He cares about my happiness too. My happiness is so hard to define while His is so simple. He wants to wake up to a BJ or sex. He wants to have good food ready for Him when He wants it. He wants His slave to almost be a mind reader that knows what He needs and wants at all times. He wants to issue commands with a whisper or a nudge instead of with spoken communication...

i feel kind of lost right now... i don't really know what makes up my happiness... i don't even know if i am happy now... i think i may be, but i am not really sure of anything right now... This has me so twisted up inside and i am going to need to figure it out before i break again... i don't like being broken... i know that much at least.

How do you fully remove yourself and your mind, your wants and your needs, so you can fully focus on your slavery or submission and let your Master have all of that control without breaking when serious life events happen?

Sigh... Obviously, i am struggling right now with a lot of different things... My mind and my heart are in 2 different places and it is not fun, to say the least... i continue to mourn for my friend's child and think about the potential loss of my own special guy... Every time i think of possibly losing him, it brings up life decisions that i made to help cope with that issue that are now in full conflict with my current lifestyle...

i am not liking the way this post is going and don't really want to write it anymore... i hate this feeling of ache that i have in my heart and pain that i have in my head... i do not like the fact that i have some mental issues sometimes that push me so close to the edge... i just can't handle it on my own...

So what did i do about all of that pain i wrote about earlier? i cried... i woke Papa Bear up for cuddles and help... And He helped me... He spanked me and gave me commands... He helped me sort out the conflict through communication... Through helping me define choices and placing my thoughts and my crazy into logical options... i can choose M/s or i can choose my past coping mechanism... He promises to love me either way...

So i chose... i choose my Master over everything else. i will let the rest of it go... But it was a hard morning...

May i please eat, Sir?

So... We recently started a new regimen to help with my tendency to overeat or randomly eat things that are not good for me in secret... Papa Bear is now giving me permission to eat meals and snacks. At first, we were just going to use it as a way to stop me because i won't usually eat something if i have to think about it, but now it is turning into something bigger... Papa Bear has taken the reigns and is using this permission to determine what i can eat, how much i can eat, and to stop me from indulging... Can i say that i love it?!!!!

A lot of the things that we do are usually suggestions i make and ideas i come up with... Who better to think of an appropriate punishment or a new plan of action than the slave that is encountering issues? i also read an exorbitant amount of blogs and literature about M/s and TPE, so Papa Bear uses that expertise to help develop ideas for new things. Some things that i bring up are immediately shot down, some are taken into consideration, and others are implemented.

Once implemented in their original form, Papa Bear will tweak and adjust the idea until it works for us.

One thing i have noticed already is that i am constantly in a different headspace... Not really sub space, but not really my normal headspace either... Kind of somewhere in between a dream and reality... It is an interesting feeling to live and walk around in a dream type mentality... Not bad, just different...

i am a little worried about this state of mind because we took that class on end of life preparation. i worry that Papa Bear will leave me stuck in a dream type state with no one to tell me i can eat, so i just continue going until i die of starvation... Sigh... i know that  wouldn't happen because we have already talked about Him setting up a Dom to watch over me until i am back on my feet, but i am a worrier sometimes... i am also a little weird sometimes to, lol...

Playing for 4...

Last night was amazing! We had so much fun with Beautiful and another friend of ours, who is vanilla, but very interested in the lifestyle. Let's call him Newbie for now. ;-)

For about a week, Papa Bear, Beautiful, and Newbie have been planning what to do last night. One thing about BDSM play is that preparation and some planning has to be done ahead of time. Someone usually can't just do something on the fly... Even if it is a quick negotiation of safe words... i love that i don't really have to worry about that aspect because of my slave status... Papa Bear negotiates everything for me.

Newbie is actually a really close friend, so i have been worried about playing in front of him. He is one of Papa Bear's closest friends and practically like a brother to me, so i thought it would be weird to be naked in front of him or ordered to do stuff in front of him. What i found out was that it really wasn't. i felt like i could finally just be me, which is someone i usually keep pretty hidden around vanilla people, even really close vanilla friends. People just don't understand why someone would want to wear fluffy fox ears when she is 32 and raising a family. Shocking, right?! lol...

When we got to Beautiful's house, i put on my ears and collar right away. We started eating dinner when Newbie got there. He complimented my ears as we went over to chat and get to know each other a bit... Or at least let Beautiful and Newbie get to know each other. After a little bit, we broke out the suit cases and pulled out supplies.

We started out with flogging and trying different floggers. Papa Bear flogged me and Beautiful to show Newbie how to flog and when he started flogging Beautiful, you could tell that he was a natural. One of the agreements before we played was that he would not be man handling or playing with me. i am Papa Bear's property and see Newbie all the time, so that would have been a little too complicated for me.

i just love watching Beautiful being flogged and seeing her getting flogged by 2 people and being one of the three to play with her at the same time was such an honor... There was a point when she and i got to play with each other face to face while she was being flogged and i was being flogged... It was so awesome!

We also got to play with Papa Bear's new electric equipment. i know Papa Bear loves to torture me with this equipment, so i love that... But that is about all i love about it... Newbie also likes the electric equipment and Beautiful does a much better job than me at taking it. i just love how easy it is to make her orgasm and get her excited.

All together, i would say that it was a good experience. We had fun and got to share a different part of our lives with a friend.

my Master

my Master is so sweet and kind and gentle. He probably let's me get away with too much, but i think it was because we were husband and wife before all of this. Before TTWD, we ran everything together, but the struggle for who was in charge was prevalent. He was raised to pretty much give women whatever they wanted and i was brought up to believe that women are often times better than men at doing things. Sometimes, this meant that during any struggle for power, i generally won. Not because i was more equipped to handle a situation, but because i was ruthless in getting my way and making it work for me because i really thought i could do it better...

As you can probably tell, that didn't really lead either of us to full happiness. We didn't really fight or argue, but we weren't fulfilling our purposes...

Last night, as we got ready for bed, Papa Bear started to play with me and i said that i was tired and we should probably rest up... (big date with  Beautiful today)... And He just said okay, disappointedly, and started to roll over. i immediately hopped up and asked what He wanted to do. He said i made a good point and He would let me sleep while He took care of Himself... i asked Him why He would let His slave sleep if He really wanted to have sex... He thought about it for a second and said He didn't want to damage me by playing with me too much... So sweet! How cute is that?! Damage me with too much sex and playtime... lol... Maybe He forgot for a second that i am a dirty little whore... ;-)

i assured Him that i would not get damaged and that i am His piece of property and He can use me  whenever He wants... and so He did, face fucking and anal sex, which are 2 of my favorites now. Sometimes, He still needs that assurance and encouragement... vanilla conditioning sucks... i know i am happier serving Him and having Him in charge, but sometimes, i think i do a lot around the house or i think that nothing is fair... i know that He is happier in charge, but sometimes, i think He worries that He is too demanding or that He doesn't do enough.

In reality, we both work together to get it all done. He charts the course and i help us adhere to it. If there was one thing i would change, it would be to take away those worries that i know float around in His brain so He could be free to command without feeling demanding or domineering as He is not either of those things.

i love You Daddy, i belong to You, i am all Yours :-)

Friends

i am pretty sure i have mentioned this on here before, but i have the most amazing friends ever!! They don't judge me and they love me and they are so accepting of me. i have a lot of different types of friend too, but my closest friends all know about my lifestyle and some even read this blog.

i was actually able to see and help three of my friends this weekend.

One needed help with Christmas gifts for clients so i taught her how to make peppermint sugar scrubs for cheap! She came over on Saturday and we made a batch. The best part though... She asked why i wasn't wearing my ears when she came over and so i put them on and we made the scrub with my ears on! It was so much fun!! The scrub reminded both of us of beach sand, so we called it Christmas sand and built a sand castle in the mixing bowl!! i really enjoyed playing in the bowl with her. It was so much fun!

Another is dealing with a pretty big life issue, so i was able to lend support. She was able to vent her frustrations about the issue and get those feelings off her chest. Sometimes, life just sucks, so i am glad whenever i can lend a hand with easing the burdens of others. Then i was able to show her the flogger that i made and the new one we purchased. Mine is definitely stingier than the one we bought. She also asked to see the new paddle i won.

The last is preparing to open his business and it is crazy! So much time and effort and energy to get everything going, but it will be so worth it for him and his family. He has such a passion for helping people, so i am glad that this is all finally happening for him. If it wasn't for him and his help getting my son the medicine he needs, this blog would be very different and my life would not be so full of joy right now.

i love you all so much!! i love that i have friends who make me feel normal with ears on. i love that i have friends that trust me enough to share their struggles. i love that i have friends that dream big and help others. i love that i have friends that push me to do better and follow my heart. You are all so freaking amazing!!! :-)

To brat or not to brat?

Yesterday was a great day! i was able to hike a mountain and help a friend make some presents for Christmas (peppermint sugar scrubs, yay!) and see The Hobbit movie, which made me cry, of course. What was not great about yesterday? My attitude...

Yesterday, i was a little bit of a brat before we went to the movies. i kinda wanted to try it on for size to see if it was me... It was kind of fun being a little contrary, but Papa Bear did not like it at all. He told me i was being a bad girl and if we were at home, He would be using the belt to correct my behavior! Ahhhhh!

So i apologized profusely and promised to behave the rest of the night. After the movie, we finished up our Christmas shopping. i helped Him figure out what toys to get for our boys and hid them right when we got home. Then i made Him dinner without Him asking and served Him before starting on my own. i have started to study protocols and etiquette for slaves and am finding lots of useful guidelines to help me be a better slave.

After tlovesds went to bed, Papa Bear gave me the other presents that He got me... A purple glittery strap on and some black and pink crotchless underwear. Yay!! i can't wait to play with them! We sized the strap on and sent a picture of me wearing it to Beautiful.

Afterwards, Papa Bear spanked my ass for all of the attitude and face fucked and ass raped me into submission. While His cock was deep in my throat and i couldn't breathe, He was asking me questions and yanking on my hair. Questions like who do you belong to and was your attitude today acceptable... It is really hard to answer questions with a throat full of dick, lol... Every time i tried to answer, dinner would try to come back up... Part of the torture...

What i found out was that Papa Bear does not want a brat. He wants a good girl that listens and always tries to do better. He loves His baby girl just the way she is. Being a brat was not too hard to slip into, so it is just something i needed to be conscious of. i am so glad He loves owning me and is willing to do what is needed to help me be the best me i can be. :-)

PIK (People into Kink

So, all around the valley, we have different groups, munches, socials, and classes an individual can explore when they are kinky. Last night, i went to a social hosted by PIK, on the east side. Everyone was really nice and i got there on time, which gave me time with a couple of guys that keep the group running.

We chatted for a bit and then others started to show. i hit it off really well with a little brat that was there and found out more about littles and brats, what they do in general, and what they like in general. We talked about the Renaissance Festival, animal ears and tails, and fun outfits and corsets.

After last night and my previous experiences, i think i may also be a little. i get along really well with littles, also like toys and fun stuff, look great in pig tails, and have a child like wonder about most things. i live to be a good girl, so i am definitely not a brat, but i think i may be a baby girl... So interesting exploring and researching. Labels aren't really necessary in the lifestyle, but are very important to me so i can kind of define myself. So far, i have determined that i am a slave at heart, submissive, and a little.

i am learning so much about the lifestyle and about myself and it is so much fun. :-)

Also, side note... i won a paddle in a raffle at the social!! So excited. i will post some pictures once we get to play with it ;-)

Wax..

Waiting.
Waiting and looking to Daddy for direction.
Maybe the table right in front of us... i look at Daddy, then the table, then Daddy...
He shakes his head... Not that table... Too close to all the action and too centralized...

Standing, watching, waiting for a chance to play...
Here's a table... Oh wait, never mind... It is taken by a couple that called dibs...

Sigh...

Waiting for an opening... Another table has opened up, but Daddy really wants the high table.  Beautiful suggests switching tables with the other couple and they acquiesce.

Oh... Um... Nervous... Time to get naked.

i pull my dress over my head and look around, nervous... No one looks... Breathe... i hold my breasts and walk quickly to the table, hop on quickly and start to breathe. Silly little foxy slave girl..

Focus and breathe.
Breathe.

Ssssssssss. The sound the air makes escaping my lips, through my teeth, as my body clenched and jumped.

It burned.  Biting into my left shoulder, then my mid back, then my lower back. Daddy's hands rubbing, rubbing the heat in, then rubbing the heat away. Then more pools spilling, spilling, spilling...

Then Beautiful came over to help. Feelings of heat, hot pools of wax, in 2 places at once, kicking me into space and overdrive at the same time. So weird to drift into space and then be brought back by the hot wax and then sent away again.

An ebb and flow of gone and then back. Floaty and then focused. Yin and Yang...

Then peace...

Tickling, oh so much tickling as it is scraped off. Sensitive and giggly and floating and focused and everything.
Riding on and off my cloud on the way home. Little spots on my back flaring with heat that is no longer there... Massages me to sleep...

Wake up! Daddy offers a belt spanking tomorrow or a wake up to plug the light in the bathroom back on... No debate, get up and plug it in... Put my dank straightener away... Fall back to sleep with promises and dreams of belt spankings if i forget again...

Testing limits

Papa Bear got a new purple and black flogger in the mail! He got it Monday, but i was so sick that we didn't get to play with it. Today, feeling a million times better, we got to play with it. My goodness, i love playing with my Papa Bear. He struck me with it everywhere and repeatedly until He found my soft spots and my sensitive bits. From time to time, He would nudge with a loud thwack that made me double in pain and cry out in ecstasy.

Then He would also rub me down and twirl the flogger strands along my back, bringing me to orgasm. After cumming twice, i blew Him nicely and then screwed Him until He and i burst together...

Such a nice night to play with my Daddy... Sigh... So content and so loved...

Worn down

So, i have been a little under the weather since Saturday and it hit full congestion levels yesterday... i hate it when my body forces me to slow down, but maybe i was doing a little too much... Going to events, playing with Papa Bear and Beautiful... Going to school... Working full time... Raising a family... Just listing it makes me tired...

Feeling a little better today, which is good because i have wax play with Daddy tomorrow and maybe a social on Thursday night... We will have to see...

On a side note, Papa Bear got a new flogger for me... Can't wait to play with it!! :-)

Naked in the kitchen

One funny thing that happened on Friday night was when we took that rest stop. Papa Bear went straight to the couch as we went to the kitchen to get supplies. He started to laugh a little when He noticed that He had 2 naked females getting into the fridge and getting food and water.  Beautiful stocked the fridge around me, counting out the beverages she was placing in as i made faces and shook my tits at Him. We loved giving Him the show and He loved watching it.

Yum Yum...

Yesterday... Hands down... Amazing...

Our date last night could not have gone better. We started off eating pizza and chatting again. Then as we were talking, Papa Bear said something about floggers and i took that as an opportunity to show off the one i made on Wednesday. Beautiful said that it looked a little stingy and we talked about how it felt when He throws it.

We started talking about the handle, because currently, the flogger i made doesn't have one. i know in my head what i want to do to make it, but was also curious about what Beautiful would like. To share her favorite style, we had to go get the rest of her toys ;-)

Once we had those out, she showed me a couple of options. It was really neat to see the different ideas and options. She then grabbed a thin wooden paddle and started paddling her own bottom! i saw and mentioned to Papa Bear that she needs a paddling. He saw her spanking herself and said "Is that right?" and she said "Well somebody has to get it started." lol!!

Papa Bear tried a couple of paddles on us and floggers too. We explored each other with our hands and lips. When i was getting flogged on the couch, she was standing in front of me and i just wanted to bite her... i love biting, but Papa Bear doesn't like it, so i get to bite this one part of His hand. Beautiful likes being bitten... i was able to bite her nipples so hard, she had little teeth indents which were beautiful to look at. My reaction to it surprised me and her, lol. i just got so excited and felt so proud of those little rings around her nipples... Mmmm...

Beautiful wanted to watch us together, so we went to her room and i jumped on the bed, goofing around... i looked over and Papa Bear was staring at me and then looking at His clothes... Oopsie! i quickly jumped off the bed, stripped Him down and took His cock deep in my throat to make up for the error. i really enjoy pleasing Papa Bear this way, but it was even better having Beautiful watch my efforts. It was nice to be appreciated by another for the effort i put into pleasing my Papa Bear.

i was able to get Him ready and started riding Him like crazy as  Beautiful watched us. She wanted to shock me while riding Him, but we didn't get that far before we all just needed to rest. All of that was so fun, but also exhausting, lol. We went out and got water and Papa Bear started playing with Beautiful again. We spent time playing all together on the couch. When we started focusing more on playing with me, we moved it back to the bed so my squirting  wouldn't mess up her nice couches.

While in bed, we focused on me for a while. Then we focused on Beautiful some more. i cannot even count the number of times we both orgasmed, but it was a lot! While playing with her, i decided to go down on her. She tasted yummy and it was easy to figure out what she liked. She came twice, screaming so loud... It made me smile. It was definitely an interesting experience as i have never gone down on a woman before.

i loved cuddling, but i liked it even more when i bit her ass... Lol... That was so much fun... i guess i knew i liked biting, but didn't realize just how much... Leaving teeth marks in her perfect ass... In a nice round circle... It was so hot!!

We ended up leaving around 2:30 in the morning... It was hard to go... i almost wanted to send Papa Bear home alone and just wanted to sleep over, but i had a hike at 9 the next morning with friends, so i went home...

Thoughts and love

So, i have been thinking a lot about my blog and my experiences. i actually have a few friends that read it, Papa Bear reads it, and a few acquaintances also read it. i really like this aspect because i have always been an open book and writing is a much easier way to express myself. 

i also started to get a little worried today about this aspect, because what if my thoughts or feelings hurt or affect someone else. After thinking about it and chatting with another friend, i decided that my blog will stay free of that worry. If you don't want to read my thoughts, then definitely stay off of this blog... ;-) 

i can easily type out how i feel without feeling crazy or judged. i can process through my emotions and get some of it out of my head. i can also provide insight for those that care enough to read into my mind and thought processes. It is just an overall useful tool for me.

The most interesting thing i have learned so far is that i can change with the wind, but my heart always stays in the same place. My heart loves like there is no tomorrow... This is amazing, but is also a kind of curse at the same time. i know that Papa Bear will always own my heart but it is big enough to let others in and once someone is in, there is no going back...

That brings me back to all of this dating we have been doing. What if i fall in love with someone before they love me? What if they fall in love with me first? Can i fall in love with too many people? These thoughts swirl in my brain. i can see our current love interest as someone i could fall for, which is great. It means that we are probably really compatible. i know that she may not be ready for a relationship and i will always honor that, but my heart is my heart and it is something i cannot and will not change.

As i was writing this last paragraph, i thought long and hard about potentially changing it or censoring myself because i don't want to cause anyone discomfort or scare someone away because i also know that some of my love interests will read this... Don't be afraid... If i fall and the same type of love isn't returned, we will still be great friends and my Papa Bear will always be there for me. :-* 

Date night

After work yesterday, we went on a date with our lovely lady. Papa Bear worked out all of the details with her before we went over. Her only limit... No oral for either of us, which was a relief for me, because i have never gone down and am not sure how i would handle it... As we drove over, i thought about the fun we could have... Anticipating what the two had planned for me.

The night started with a tour and a pizza. We talked, shared stories, listened to music, and really just spent time laughing and getting to know each other. We told naughty foxy stories and some of Papa Bear's childhood experiences. We listened to what she is really looking for in a Dom. It was so much fun and we were laughing so much, our faces were hurting.

Papa Bear then asked for me to get out the electric wand. He started shocking me with it and she seemed nervous about it. She had played with an electric wand in the past, but it was a lot stronger than ours. Once Papa Bear touched her with the wand, she saw how gentle it really was for her and started using it on me too.

Papa Bear had me get on my knees on her couch and bare my ass. They then took turns shocking and tickling my butt. Both liked seeing me shriek, giggle, and scream as i tried to wriggle away from the electric play. Then Papa Bear sat her in between us and shocked her as well. He had her get on her knees facing the back of the couch and i rubbed her back and played with her breasts and nibbled her arm while He shocked her. She did not shriek and wriggle, she moaned and came close to cumming for us.

She is so soft! i was able to nibble and suck on her lovely breasts. i loved watching and helping her orgasm several times with our gentle play. i loved seeing Papa Bear's smile as He choked her and whispered the sweet nothings i get to hear in her ear and her body responded.

She had so much control over her body. She was able to hold her legs still as Papa Bear tickled her feet!! i would have been flailing all over the place and probably would have gotten into trouble for moving too much, lol...

My favorite activity of the night was when i was on my knees in between her legs and she had me by the hair and was leading my head around her body to suck, nibble, and kiss. At the same time, Papa Bear was choking her and nibbling on her neck or ear. Her whole body responded as our naked bodies rubbed all over each other. It was so lovely.

Then we had to go because it was getting late and we had limited time with the sitter at home. We packed up all of our stuff when Papa Bear noticed that we hadn't tried the new lollipop paddle we got in an auction. He was getting ready to spank me when she kindly recommended with her sly grin that i lean over the back of her couch for support, which also popped my ass out a little further. He took that out and gave me a thump on one ass cheek and she slowly thudded and then thumped me on the other.

The drive home was nice as Papa Bear and i talked about the experience. We got home and had some nice sec before i took a hot bath and went to bed.

Death and illness

i took another APEX class yesterday, but this one focused on a topic that most people don't like to think or talk about... What happens to those left behind after the death of a loved one and what are important legal items to have in place to make sure you can take care of an incapacitated individual when a serious illness strikes.

i deal with care giving and serious illness often as my middle child has epilepsy, global developmental delays, and autism. It is hard... Very hard... But we have always been able to push through it. One thing i have tried not to think about is what would happen if Papa Bear left suddenly, leaving me with 3 kids to raise and no Master to help keep me happy and on track.

Without my Master's control, i feel like i would be lost. i would be able to force things to work, but i would not be happy and i would probably miss things... Things that Papa Bear takes care of. i wouldn't know what bills to pay and when. i would know what food to buy, but what if that changes as we get further into our dynamic...

We will be getting some legal things completed and in place, including a living will, to make sure that everything is covered... i am also potentially going to put together a household manual so that i know what to do, what bills to pay, what pest control agency we use, and all of that stuff.

i am also reading a book right now called Leading and Supportive Love by Chris Lyons. This book is showing me more about myself as well and kind of just putting my needs into words... i am not sure how i would make it without my Papa Bear and i am not sure how He would make it without me. Or relationship is very symbiotic and we really help each other survive.

On a side note, i found out that in our community, our relationship is known a as a  consensual non-consent M/s relationship and i am a no limits slave to my Master... interesting...

The aftermath

Playing on Friday changed my life... i am not sure if this sounds absurd, but quite honestly, i don't care. It is the fact of the matter... And it caught me by surprise. Maybe it didn't catch you by surprise, loyal readers or friends that i personally know that read my blog... But it sure surprised me...

i have been preaching for a while that everyone and every body is beautiful and this is something I truly believe. i tell my friends that, when they talk badly about their bodies... i tell my Papa Bear just how much i love His body and of course the things it can do to me... And i tell myself that when i look in the mirror and wish that i had perkier breasts or a flatter stomach... But i didn't really believe it for myself... i was trying to fake it till I made it... until i played...

Being naked on that piece of equipment for anyone in the club to see changed my views... Seeing the way that Papa Bear and our new friend looked at my body while they were flogging me and i was in sub space changed the way i look at myself... i never realized before that i am beautiful... i never realized that this body, after having 3 kids, is still perfect... Not the same kind of perfect it was when i was 18 and the stretch marks weren't there and everything was in a different place, but still perfect in its own way.

Sub space is a place that can deeply impact my beliefs and thoughts if i am in far enough... Believe me when i say that they flogged me into the deepest space i have been in to date... And their view of me changed my view of me. Seeing Papa Bear's attentive look, feeling His hands on me and hearing Him compliment me switched something. Seeing our new friend's beautiful smile, hearing that she wished she could take a picture of me (of me!!!), and feeling her hands and mouth on me, calling me beautiful and baby girl... These things all changed me for the better... Gave me confidence in myself...

i will probably always wish that i had perkier breasts and a flatter stomach, but now... when i look in the mirror... i don't see my dangling breasts and squishy stomach as something to be ashamed of or as something to hide from... i see them as a beautiful piece of work in progress. This is my body and it is amazing. It can do so many things and take so much on and it is simply amazing to me now that i didn't really believe it before...

This experience changed a lot more about me than that, but this change is the one i want to share with the world... The others were a bit too personal to share on here. Maybe one day, but not now... Thank you for reading 😘

Dungeon 101

Fair warning right away... This is going to be a long posting, so i suggest grabbing a cup of cocoa to enjoy along with it...

It is really difficult to know where to begin... It was so amazing... Maybe a couple of days ago...

As i have been writing about, Papa Bear and i are looking for a woman to play with... A third that meshes well with us... Eventually, we want to find a long term relationship, but for now, it is all about having fun and dating others. That being said, i have been sending messages to women on Fetlife to see if they would like to play. i have received a couple of responses, but nothing that has panned out as of yet.

As you know, we have also been taking classes on BDSM topics to see if we could find someone while also obtaining new knowledge. At the 24/7 event, we met a beautiful woman who complimented my dress. We chatted and connected. i have written about this experience in previous posts, but i wanted to include it here because i feel the entire journey is so important to take in context and i want to read this again, maybe 10 years from now and remember...

She and i hit it off right away. We started dating basically. Went out to eat a few times, talked to get to know each other better, texted throughout the day... Probably a little too much in retrospect, but that is just me. i fall for people fast... Not just lovers, but friends too. Once i figure out that something could be amazing, i turn my dial to "i want it" and am kind of tenacious about it... Sometimes to a fault... if someone asked Master's puppy, she would agree and probably add in that sometimes, it is downright annoying, lol...

While dating and chatting, i found out that she had never been with a woman in the threesome sense or the BDSM sense and that i was the first woman she was attracted to enough to want to try it with. HUGE compliment! So we started to set it up... It was a little difficult at first because of my kiddos... Trying to make an  experience like that happen in a safe place was also really important for her as she has never played with us or seen us play together... Thankfully, APEX offers a space like that and offered an amazing class to teach us about their dungeon that included time to play afterward...

Now, we had a place and a time, we just needed to figure out the details... Pre-play negotiations are so important, but also a little difficult to navigate when you have only played with one person and that person is your Master, who basically controls how everything goes. i had to think about limits and boundaries... What i like and don't like... What names are acceptable for me to be called... What areas of my body were of limits... It was a very interesting process for me. Not that i haven't thought about those things at one time or another, but this was different... i had to think of them in context with someone else and not my Papa Bear.

We determined that she was going to top me after watching Papa Bear and i play together for a little bit. This would also help me feel comfortable, because my Papa Bear was there with me. i have only made out with girls in the past, but am bisexual and enjoy the look and feel of women.

We went out to eat before and i was already in my new fun corset, so i barely ate anything. When we got there, we started out with a discussion on the etiquette of playing at a party and what the actual rules are and aren't. It was very informative. We then we're able to see inside the play bags of more experienced members, ask how things work, and where they were purchased for future reference. We

We took another tour of the facility, but it was a little different with the space set up for play and with a scene in mind. Papa Bear saw a couple of places He could potentially use for the scene. When we were done with the tour, the lights went down and some experienced members were doing scenes on the main floor. We watched and chatted for a moment, but i started to get impatient... i was watching for Papa Bear's lead, but He wasn't making any moved and neither was she, so i started whispering to Papa Bear.

It turns out that He was nervous! This kind of surprised me as He was staying fully clothed and i was going to be bearing it all... After speaking with Him longer, i found out that He was nervous for me and wanted to make sure that i had a positive and private experience. i assured Him i was ready and we went to the first place He was interested in.

Under the balcony, there was a space with suspension stuff. We went under there, but the lighting was wrong and it was a little warm. Papa Bear usually gets hot fast, so that area didn't seem like it would work this time. We went to the second place, which is set up as a jail cell. He hooked me to the St. Andrews cross and the 2 of them flogged me.

It was amazing. The feelings were intense and very worth it. Having Him warm me up and then her take over while He kissed me and made sure i was okay... Having Him take over and her come to me asking how i was doing... Having both flog me at the same time... Having both suck on my nipples at the same time... Feeling her nails on my back and her hand smacking my ass... Having 2 people playing with and admiring my naked body... i didn't even think when we started the journey to 3 way play that i would be in the middle, taking it from both sides and absolutely loving it from both sides...

i could not have asked for a better experience. Aftercare was just as amazing, with cuddles from both... Papa Bear rubbed my legs and feet while she rubbed my arms and hands... i really wanted to just stay like that... My naked body tangled in their clothed ones... Having then fawn over me... i never realized that would even be something i would like... And she glowed!! She smiled and her face lit everything up. He smiled and i felt safe and sound. i just want to do it again...

Excited and anxious

Ahhh! Friday is tomorrow... Tomorrow is Friday...

If i could anxiously pace online, i would... Pacing...

My nerves are just part of my normally anxious personality. i am really excited to play and try the equipment available at the dungeon. i am really excited to play with my new friend to see if that spark exists in that moment as well...

i have a new fun outfit to wear. i got my hair and eyebrows done. Just need to pick out nail polish, shave the day of, and decide how to do my makeup. i will be curling my hair, so i will need to do that tomorrow as well...

Papa Bear really helped me get over the nerves i had about my body. He has been doing little photo shoots of me in different positions and in different gear to help me get used to being a little objectified. i am not really used to that sort of attention... Maybe i was when i was younger, but it has been a while since i have gone to a club or partied with other people in a sexually charged environment... so it all feels really new.

Papa Bear has also been sending pics to our new friend and her reaction has helped a lot as well... It is really hard to think of myself as sexy when my Papa Bear is the only one who has seen me naked... Now that she has and has also said how adorable my body is, i am not scared... My Master really knows what He is doing with me...

How i love and adore Him... i am so glad that He owns me 😊

Playtime and Preparation

Yesterday at work, was so boring! Thank goodness my Papa Bear made the night really interesting. We cuddled for a little while and talked about the day... All snuggled together,  head resting on His shoulder, i wanted to play...

foxy: Daddy... Can we play?
Papa Bear: oh, do you really want to play, little girl?
foxy: yes, please Sir...
Papa Bear: I don't know... you were yawning earlier and were so tired...😏
foxy: i am not tired Sir... Oh, please Sir...
Papa Bear: yes, we can play... Get out everything.
foxy: 😮😶... Yes Sir...

And boy, did we play... Papa Bear bound my wrists and chained me up. He used the gag mask and blind fold. We used the flogger, the anal hook, the paddle, maybe other things too... i am kind of foggy on everything because that gag gets me into sub space so quickly.

My favorite moment was when He flogged my back a little too hard and it hurt, so i asked Him if He could rub it and He pulled me on His lap and rubbed my shoulder out, petting and massaging me at the same time until i was past the pain... He takes such good care of His dirty little whore.

We are getting ready for our very first play party with others and last night was a test run of sorts... and i loved it... Other people could have been staring at us and i wouldn't have cared or even noticed... It was just Him and i in the darkness of the blind fold... i was floating and safe and cared for and loved.

i could feel His love in every stroke of the flogger and in every touch. i could feel it in the sound of His voice and the click of the camera as He took pictures. i was in awe of His strength and self-control and i think He was in awe of my willingness and my passion... i live for this... i live for Him... Just thinking about last night makes me want to do it again... Every day... Forever...

Holding hands

How could such a small thing like holding hands get me so excited? i am used to holding hands and a heck of a lot more with Papa Bear, but holding her hand really affected me... The entire time, i could not get out of my head. Was i holding her hand too tight? Probably, since i am used to holding a huge bear paw... Is it weird if i lightly rub her hand with my thumb? Am i doing this right?

Our fingers interlocking looked like a candy cane... Her red glittery nails and my white glittery ones... And then, crap! Spilled water all over the floor cuz i kicked my cup over when i wasn't paying attention to my legs, which were being fidgety because i was nervous...

After cleaning that up, went back to holding hands in a different position, so yep... i was probably crushing her fingers, poor thing... Her hands are soft and delicate.

i got lost in holding her hands... What is it going to be like when and if we move forward from there... Will i lose myself in her lips, in her eyes, while snuggled in her arms... Sigh...